Women & Self-Esteem

Self-esteem and self-confidence are essential to the health and well-being of every person. If you are thinking of starting your own business, you must know and trust in the fact that you are capable of facing and overcoming any challenges that await you. Without such belief, Success will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for you to achieve. If you do not believe in yourself or your product, you will project an air of defeat which others will sense. The end result is that no one will feel comfortable buying from your business.

What is self-esteem? Self esteem is:

• appreciating one's own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for oneself and to act responsibly toward others
• a confidence and satisfaction in oneself
• an absolute necessity

A recent Gallup poll found that nearly 1/3 of all Americans suffer from low self-esteem. Interestingly, those who have low self-esteem reported more symptoms of stress and poor health than did those in the other categories. They also placed more importance on material things such as high achievement and Success at work. Those in the high self-esteem group tended to place more emphasis on maintaining a healthy mind, a good family life, and a balanced outlook. These people equated Success with happiness rather than with material gains.

People who have low self-esteem seek ways to escape from reality. Studies have shown that low self-esteem is the root of practically every personal problem. It precludes friendships and loving relationships, causes its victims to make harsh judgments of themselves and others, and it breeds anxiety and fear.

To better understand yourself and to identify whether or not you may be lacking in self-esteem, review the list of items below. Check off the characteristics in the list that you think apply to you. It's important that you be as honest with yourself as you can.

1. Constantly put myself down; am highly self-critical
2. Have difficulty accepting compliments
3. Often feel victimized by others
4. Feel lonely, even when with other people
5. Feel empty - like I have a hole inside
6. Feel different from other people
7. Feel depressed
8. Feel shame and guilt
9. Don't believe in my ability to achieve; have self-doubts
10. Fear new situations
11. Fear failure
12. Fear Success
13. Fear being out of control
14. Have high need to please others
15. Am highly anxious in business settings (ie. panic attacks, anxiety)
16. Have trouble managing time demands; feel stress, excessive worry
17. Put things off and get into trouble for it
18. Am extremely vulnerable to others' criticism, real or imagined
19. Don't state opinions or feelings for fear of what others will think
20. Keep others at a distance emotionally
21. Have self-destructive behaviors (substance abuse, abusive relationship, no interest in or motivation for self-care)
22. "Numb out" to relax (watch TV, eat, sleep, fantasize)
23. Have negative attitudes; use negative self-talk
24. Have difficulty setting and sticking to goals
25. Have trouble asking for what I want and need
26. Am often angry and aggressive
27. Make unrealistic self-assessments, either too low or too high
28. Think in black or white; have no tolerance for ambiguity
29. Can't tolerate imperfection
30. Don't feel connected to family or community
31. Lack pride in or information about my ethnic, cultural, or gender group

Once you have identified all of the characteristics that apply to you, go back over this list and pick four areas you see as most vital to the Success of your business. Think about each of them. Brainstorm ways in which you could improve these four areas of your life. Set solution-based goals and then track them so that you can see your progress.

Where does low self-esteem come from?

Low self-esteem often stems from our childhood days. Somewhere along the way, we learned or heard negative messages from others. From these messages, we developed a negative perception of ourselves.

The truth is that we all hear those negative messages echoing in our ears at one time or another. However, a person with low self-esteem has a tendency to focus on and believe in these messages while a person with high self-esteem dismisses them as inaccurate or irrelevant comments that have no power over her. What the person with high self-esteem has already learned is that we must prevent the messages from the past from dominating our present feelings and behaviors. If we don't, these "voices from the past" will control us and ultimately impact our entire life in a very negative way.

Many of the characteristics you identified in the first exercise can be traced to negative messages you have received throughout your life. To begin changing these negative messages into positive ones, try the next exercise:

List five negative messages that you remember hearing as a child or messages that you hear today. (ex., You're too sensitive. You'll never amount to anything. You'll never be a Success. You're stupid.)

Now, take the five negative messages you wrote and turn them into positive ones. Be sure to use "I" or "My" in your statements and use present tense verbs. State what you want, not what you don't want. (ex., I care a lot. I can do anything I set my mind to. I define Success my own way. I can learn anything.)

Repeat your positive statements each day. This will reinforce what you want in life, not what you don't want. It will also create positive energy in your life and maintain your feelings of self-esteem.
What does fear have to do with it?

Another common reason for low self-esteem can be traced to a four letter word: FEAR. Since the negative messages we heard when we were young were often received from people we cared about and trusted, it is often very difficult to simply tune them out or ignore them.

"What if I really am too weak and can't make it in the world?" "What if I am too stupid to be Successful at a new business?" Asking yourself these questions will only chain you to the worst enemy you can imagine - your own fear. The only way to know if you can do anything is to take a risk and try it. Surprisingly enough, the moment you take that first step, most of the fear and anxiety you have been experiencing will disappear. In its place will be a new sense of self-confidence.

To begin overcoming your own fears, try the next exercise:

Write down the 3 greatest fears that you have ever overcome.

Now write a brief statement about how you overcame each fear. What did you do? How did you do it? What feelings did you have afterward? Are there any patterns? Did you take the same steps each time? What was the same? What was different? What results did you have each time?

Now, apply what you have learned about previous fears to your current fears about starting your own business.
Accepting your basic human rights

Many women with low self-esteem maintain belief systems which fail to recognize and accept the fact that each of us has assertiveness rights. These negative belief systems usually stem from the past and include comments such as "It's not polite to interrupt." "Do it right or don't do it at all." "If you need help, you're weak."and so on. However, to develop high self-esteem, it is critical to recognize that everyone has a basic list of human rights that they are entitled to. Some of these rights include:

• The right to have and express your own opinions.
• The right to interrupt to ask for clarification.
• The right to ask for help.
• The right to make mistakes.
• The right to ask for help from professionals.
• The right to decide how to spend your time, energy, and money.
• The right to have and express positive and negative feelings.
• The right to get what you pay for.
• The right to receive recognition for your achievements.
• The following exercise will help you examine your own belief system in relation to the human rights listed above.

1. Pick three of the rights that are toughest for you to accept.

2. Decide which of those rights you would like to focus on for the next two or three weeks.

3. On index cards or reminder notes inscribe your name and the human right you have chosen. (ex. "Allana, you have the right to make mistakes.") Put the cards or notes on your mirror, in your wallet, next to your bed, or wherever you know you will see them.

4. Keep reminding yourself of your right until you feel comfortable accepting it.

5. Repeat steps 1 through 4 until you have internalized all of the rights that were barriers to you.

Changing the way you think

The key to personal effectiveness and high self-esteem is ATTITUDE. After you have identified the major road blocks that are preventing you from reaching your goals, the rest boils down to desire and attitude. The good news is that a positive attitude is something you can develop if you don't already have one. You aren't born with an attitude that you have to live with the rest of your life. An attitude isn't something that happens to you when you get out of bed in the morning. There are things you can do to develop a more positive, effective attitude if that's what you really want.

Let's look at a few. . .

Become AWARE of your thoughts and feelings. Awareness is the first step in change. Have the courage to explore your negative emotions. Learn to recognize anger, frustration, jealousy, envy, annoyance, blame, resentment, impatience, hostility, boredom, disappointment, nervousness, anxiety, fear, embarrassment, panic, sadness, guilt, worry, doubt, mistrust, hurt, shame, helplessness, confusion, despair, grief, and rage. Remember that you can choose to stay with the thought/feeling or you can choose to cancel it and replace it with another thought/feeling.

Cancel the negative thought(s) that "chatter, clatter" inside your head. Even if you don't believe that you have the power to cancel your negative thoughts/feelings, simply say, "cancel, cancel" whenever they occur. At first, you may feel that you have to say, "cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel," over and over again. Just do it! After a while, you will notice that the negative thought/feelings are diminishing.

Keep your mind busy. Do two things at the same time: visualize and replace the negative thoughts with affirmations. This will keep your mind so busy that it won't have time to dwell on anything negative.

Visualize yourself at your best and/or visualize what you want to happen. Believe it or not, when you imagine yourself at your best or imagine what you want IN DETAIL, you begin to make it happen. Imagine and be able to SEE as clearly as possible what it is that you want for yourself. Practice doing this over and over again, remembering that the more often you see yourself at your best and the more often you picture what you want, the more likely it is to materialize.

Replace any negative thoughts with affirmations. An affirmation is a short statement, stated in a present tense, of how you would like to be at this moment in time. An example of an affirmation could be "I am calm and beautiful" or " I am very Successful in my new business". Affirmations can be a very powerful tool when you are trying to increase your self-esteem or change a habit. Remember that it is important to state your affirmation as though it has already occurred.

The most important thing to remember is that whatever you choose to focus on, expands. Rather than looking for a "quick fix," know that when you focus on what is working well, you can trust it to grow.

What else?

By now you should be getting a pretty good feel for what areas of your life you must work on in order to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence. Remember that changing the way you think and the way you view the world is not an overnight process. Be kind to yourself. If you get stuck along the way, just come back to these exercises and refresh your memory. If you find your motivation dragging, just know that unless you have a healthy level of self-esteem, it is almost impossible to achieve any lasting Success or happiness. In other words, it's well worth the effort!

Mi Casa Business Center for Women