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All
of us should insist on being treated fairly; we have
to stand up for our rights without violating the rights
of others. This means tactfully, justly, and effectively
expressing our preferences, needs, opinions and feelings.
Psychologist call that being "assertive," as distinguished
from being unassertive (weak, passive, compliant,
self-sacrificing) or aggressive (self-centered,
inconsiderate, hostile, arrogantly demanding). As
mentioned in chapter 8, the Women's Movement
since the 1960's has been a powerful influence on
millions of women: women have gotten better
career opportunities, more rights to control their
bodies, more help from husbands with child care and
housework, and so on. These changes happened because
women
assertively stood up for their rights.
Because some people want to
be "nice" and "not cause trouble," they "suffer in silence," "turn the other
cheek," and assume nothing can be done to change their situation or "it is our
cross to bear." The rest of us appreciate pleasant, accommodating people but
whenever a "nice" person permits a greedy, dominant person to take advantage of
him/her, the passive person is not only cheating him/herself but also
reinforcing unfair, self-centered behavior in the
aggressive person. That's how chauvinists are created.
Purposes
Assertiveness
is an antidote to fear, shyness, passivity, and even
anger, so there is an astonishingly wide range of
situations in which this training
is appropriate. Factor analysis of several assertiveness
scales (Schimmel, 1976) has suggested several kinds
of behavior are involved.
- To speak up, make requests,
ask for favors and generally insist that your rights be respected as a significant,
equal human being. To overcome the fears and self-depreciation that keep you
from doing these things.
- To express negative emotions
(complaints, resentment, criticism, disagreement, intimidation, the desire
to be left alone) and to refuse requests. See "I" statements in method #4.
- To show positive emotions
(joy, pride, liking someone, attraction) and to give compliments. Accept compliments
with "Thank you."
- To ask why and question
authority or tradition, not to rebel but to assume responsibility for asserting
your share of control of the situation--and to make things better. You are
no one's slave.
- To initiate, carry on,
change and terminate conversations comfortably. Share your feelings, opinions
and experiences with others. See method #8.
- To deal with minor irritations
before your anger builds into intense resentment and explosive aggression.
See method #5.
Steps
STEP ONE: Realize where
changes are needed and believe in your rights.
Many people recognize they
are being taken advantage of and/or have difficulty
saying "no." Others do not see
themselves as unassertive but do feel depressed
or unfulfilled, have lots of physical ailments, have
complaints about work but assume the boss or teacher
has the right to demand whatever he/she wants, etc.
Nothing will change until the victim recognizes his/her
rights are being denied and he/she decides to correct
the situation. Keeping a diary may help you assess
how intimidated, compliant, passive or timid you are
or how demanding, whiny, bitchy or aggressive
others are.
Almost everyone can cite
instances or circumstances in which he/she has been outspoken or
aggressive. These instances may be used to deny we are unassertive
in any way. However, many of us are weak in some ways--we can't say "no" to a
friend asking a favor, we can't give or take a compliment, we let a spouse or
children control our lives, we won't speak up in class or disagree with others
in a public meeting, we are ashamed to ask for help, we are afraid of offending
others, and so on. Ask yourself if you want to continue being weak.
One may need to deal with
the anxiety associated with changing, to reconcile the conflicts within your
value system, to assess the repercussions of being assertive, and to prepare
others for the changes they will see in your behavior or attitude. Talk
to others about the appropriateness of being assertive in a specific situation
that concerns you. If you are still scared even though it is appropriate, use
desensitization or role-playing to reduce the anxiety.
Consider where your values--your
"shoulds"--come from. Children
are bombarded with rules: Don't be selfish, don't
make mistakes, don't be emotional, don't tell people
if you don't like them, don't be so unreasonable,
don't question people, don't interrupt, don't trouble
others with your problems, don't complain, don't upset
others, don't brag, don't be anti-social, do what
people ask you to do, help people who need help, and
on and on. Do any of these instructions sound familiar?
They help produce submissive children--and adults.
There are probably good reasons for many of these
rules-for-kids but as adults we need not blindly follow
rules. Indeed, every one of these injunctions should
be broken under certain conditions: You have a right
to be first (sometimes), to make mistakes, to be emotional,
to express your feelings, to have your own reasons,
to stop others and ask questions, to ask for help,
to ask for reasonable changes, to have your work acknowledged,
to be alone, to say "no" or "I don't have time," and
so on. The old feelings deep inside of us may still
have powerful control over us (see chapter 8). We
can change, however.
Besides recognizing we have
outgrown our unthinking submissiveness, we can further reduce our ambivalence
about being assertive by recognizing the harm done by
unassertiveness: (1) you cheat yourself and lose
self-respect because you are dominated and can't change things, (2) you are
forced to be dishonest, concealing your true feelings, (3) inequality and
submissiveness threatens, if not destroys, love and respect, (4) a relationship
based on your being a doormat, a slave, a "yes-person," a cute show piece or a
source of income is oppressive and immoral, (5) since you must hide your true
feeling, you may resort to subtle manipulation to get what you want and this
creates resentment, and (6) your compliance rewards your oppressor. On the
positive side, assertiveness leads to more self-respect and
happiness. Build up your courage by reviewing all the reasons for changing.
Finally, there are obviously
situations in which demanding immediate justice may
not be wise, e.g. if you can get fired, if it would
cause an unwanted divorce, if you might be assaulted,
etc. Even in these more extreme cases, perhaps well
planned or very gradual changes would be tolerated.
Under any circumstances, discuss the reasons for becoming
assertive with the other people involved so they
will understand and approve (if possible) or at least
respect you for being considerate of them, others,
and yourself.
STEP TWO: Figure out
appropriate ways of asserting yourself in each specific situation that concerns
you.
There are many ways to
devise effective, tactful, fair assertive responses. Watch a good model. Discuss
the problem situation with a friend, a parent, a supervisor, a counselor or
other person. Carefully note how others respond to situations similar to yours
and consider if they are being unassertive, assertive or
aggressive. Read some of the books listed at the end of this
method. Most assertiveness trainers recommend that an effective
assertive response contain several parts:
Describe (to the other
person involved) the troublesome situation as you see it. Be very specific about
time and actions, don't make general accusations like "you're always
hostile...upset...busy." Be objective, don't suggest the other person is a total
jerk. Focus on his/her behavior, not on his/her apparent motives.
Describe your feelings,
using an "I" statement which shows you take responsibility for your feelings. Be
firm and strong, look at them, be sure of yourself, don't get emotional. Focus
on positive feelings related to your goals if you can, not on your resentment of
the other person. Sometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel as you do, so
your statement becomes "I feel ______ because ______." (see the next method).
Describe the changes you'd
like made, be specific about what action should stop and what should start. Be
sure the requested changes are reasonable, consider the other person's needs
too, and be willing to make changes yourself in return. In some cases, you may
already have explicit consequences in mind if the other person makes the desired
changes and if he/she doesn't. If so, these should be clearly described too.
Don't make dire threats, if you can't or won't carry out them out.
Example
assertiveness responses:
Situation: Your wife or
girlfriend comes home from work and talks during dinner about office politics
and rivalry.
Response: "Every night this week we have spent the dinner hour
talking about the personality conflicts at your office. I'm glad we can talk,
but I get fed up with the pettiness, as I see it, of the people you work with. I
miss talking about the news, my work, our new house plans, and how we are
getting along."
Poor responses: An unassertive person would suppress his
anger and say nothing or pretend to be really interested. An
aggressive person would blow his top, calling his wife's
co-workers names and telling her how boring and petty she is.
Situation: Your husband or
boyfriend looks (excessively) at attractive women.
Response: "You
used to be subtle about it, but lately you ogle every well built woman you see.
I feel irritated that you aren't more concerned about my feelings. I really feel
hurt. If you would change, I'd feel a lot better and I think it will increase
our trust and closeness with each other." This response was suggested by a
perceptive reader who also suggested another good response:
"I feel
inadequate when I notice you looking excessively at other women.
Therefore, in the future, I would appreciate it if you would ogle me
instead."
Poor responses: Pretending not to notice his looking and
continue hurting in silence or turning off sexually or starting to flirt (in
anticipation of his having an affair). Of course, the aggressive
reaction would be to call him a self-centered sex maniac and to refuse to have
sex for several days.
Situation: A friend
repeatedly makes plans with you and then cancels at the last minute.
Response: "When we make plans and you change your mind at the last
minute--you've done that two out of the last three times, I feel frustrated
because it's too late to make plans with someone else. Besides, I start to think
that you don't really want to be with me if you can find anything else to do. In
the future, I'd like for you to tell me at least an hour in advance if you have
to change plans. Would you do that?"
Poor responses: Let it go, fearing the
friend will get mad. Or: tell the friend how inconsiderate she is and that it is
amazing she has any friends at all.
Situation: You have just
been introduced to someone, but you did not learn his/her name.
Response: As
soon as appropriate, ask, "What is your name again?" Use it the first chance you
get, so you won't forget it again.
Poor responses: Let it go and try to avoid situations where you need to use
his/her name. An aggressive response would be to blame him/her,
"You don't speak up very well, what's your name again?"
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