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Do
you often find that others coerce you into thinking
their way? Is it difficult for you to express your
positive or negative feelings openly and honestly?
Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at
others who don't warrant it?
A "yes" answer
to any of the above questions may be an expression of a common problem known
as "lack of assertiveness."
Assertiveness is the ability to express
yourself and your rights without violating the
rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open,
and honest communication which is self-enhancing and
expressive. Acting assertively will
allow you to feel self-confident and will generally
gain you the respect of your peers and friends. It
can increase your chances for honest relationships,
and help you to feel better about yourself and your
self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn,
will improve
your decision-making ability and possibly your
chances of getting what you really want from life.
"Assertiveness
basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that
clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the
other" (The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis). However, before you can
comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right
to have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:
- The right to decide how to lead
your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing
your own priorities.
- The right to your own values,
beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself for them,
no matter the opinion of others.
- The right not to justify or explain
your actions or feelings to others.
- The right to tell others how you
wish to be treated.
- The right to express yourself
and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand,"
or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you
need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.
- The right to ask for information
or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.
- The right to change your mind,
to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full understanding
and acceptance of the consequences.
- The right to like yourself even
though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of
doing.
The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel
comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change
or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.
- The right to change, enhance,
or develop your life in any way you determine.
When you don't believe you have these
rights -- you may react very passively to circumstances and events in your life.
When you allow the needs,
opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than your own, you
are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive
behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.
Many people feel that attending to
their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being selfish.
Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no
regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned
about the legitimate rights of others as well.
Selfishness and Aggressiveness
When you behave selfishly,
or in a way that violates the rights of others, you are, in fact, acting in
a destructive, aggressive manner --rather than in a constructive, assertive
manner. There is a very fine line that divides the two manners of action.
Aggressiveness means that
you express your rights but at the expense, degradation, or humiliation of another.
It involves being so emotionally or physically forceful that the rights of others
are not allowed to surface. Aggressiveness usually results in others becoming
angry or vengeful, and as such, it can work against your intentions and cause
people to lose respect for you. You may feel self-righteous or superior at a
particular time -- but after thinking things through, you may feel guilty later.
What Assertiveness
Will Not Do
Asserting yourself will
not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment
by others, nor will it solve all your personal problems
or guarantee that others will be assertive
and not aggressive. Just because you assert
yourself does not mean you will always get what
you want; however, lack of assertiveness
is most certainly one of the reasons why conflicts
occur in relationships.
Specific Techniques for
Assertiveness
- Be as specific and clear
as possible about what you want, think, and feel. The following statements
project this preciseness:
"I want to..."
"I don't want you to..."
"Would you...?"
"I liked it when you did that."
"I have a different opinion, I think that..."
"I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons,
but I am disturbed about these aspects for these reasons."
It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you don't
mean, such as "I don't want to break up over this, but I'd like to talk
it through and see if we can prevent it from happening again."
- Be direct. Deliver your
message to the person for whom it is intended. If you want to tell Jane something,
tell Jane; do not tell everyone except Jane; do not tell a group, of which
Jane happens to be a member.
- "Own" your
message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference,
your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions. You
can acknowledge ownership with personalized ("I") statements such
as "I don't agree with you" (as compared to "You're wrong")
or "I'd like you to mow the lawn" (as compared to "You really
should mow the lawn, you know"). Suggesting that someone is wrong or
bad and should change for his or her own benefit when, in fact, it would please
you will only foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and
cooperation.
- Ask for feedback. "Am
I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?"
Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any misperceptions you
may have as well as help others realize that you are expressing an opinion,
feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear, direct,
and specific in their feedback to you.
Learning to Become More Assertive
As you learn to become
more assertive, remember to use your
assertive "skills" selectively.
It is not just what you say to someone verbally, but
also how you communicate nonverbally with voice tone,
gestures, eye contact, facial expression and posture
that will influence your impact on others. You must
remember that it takes time and practice, as well
as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes,
to reach the goal of acting assertively.
As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful
to have accepting relationships and a supportive environment.
People who understand and care about you are your
strongest assets.
The Board of Trustees of the University of Illinois
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