Improving Assertiveness

Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and end up not getting what you want. Family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by lack of assertiveness.

By looking carefully at how you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life.

What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is an attitude and a way of relating to the outside world, backed up by a set of skills for effective communication. To be truly assertive, you need to see yourself as being of worth and as having a right to enjoy life. At the same time, you value others equally, respecting their right to an opinion and to enjoy themselves.

This view allows you to engage respectfully with other people, whilst also respecting your own needs. Assertiveness ensures that you are not hurt, used or violated.

At certain times, most people find it difficult to communicate honestly, directly and openly with other people. There are two other main ways of relating to others: being passive or being aggressive.

Assertiveness involves the following:
being clear about what you feel, what you need and how it can be achieved
being able to communicate calmly without attacking another person
saying "yes" when you want to, and saying "no" when you mean "no"
(rather than agreeing to do something just to please someone else)
deciding on, and sticking to, clear boundaries – being happy to defend your position, even if it provokes conflict
being confident about handling conflict if it occurs
understanding how to negotiate if two people want different outcomes
being able to talk openly about yourself and being able to listen to others
having confident, open body language
being able to give and receive positive and negative feedback
having a positive, optimistic outlook

Passivity
When someone doesn't know how to express themselves assertively, they tend to resort to passive modes of communication in an attempt to punish or undermine the other person without them knowing the real cause of the behaviour. They may play games, use sarcasm, give in resentfully, or remain silent at their own cost.

Aggression
One of the myths about assertive behaviour is that it involves being aggressive. This isn't true. Assertiveness involves clear, calm thinking and respectful negotiation within a space where each person is entitled to their opinion. Aggression involves bottling up feelings which eventually explode, leaving no room for communication.

While some people think that being assertive is about being selfish, it is in fact the opposite. Assertiveness is about acknowledging all opinions as important. An assertive attitude says "I matter and you do too". Learning how to express yourself assertively can seem daunting at first. But there are many things you can do to learn to become more assertive.

Body language
An important part of assertiveness is open, secure body language. The way that you hold yourself has an impact on how you are perceived and treated. Passive body language would be the classic "victim" stance of hunched shoulders and avoidance of eye contact, while an aggressive stance is one with clenched fists, glaring eyes and intrusive body language.

Assertive people generally stand upright but in a relaxed manner, looking people calmly in the eyes, with open hands. A good first step to becoming more assertive is to consider your own body language through role play.

Exercise
With a friend, or in front of a mirror, try different types of posture and body language as you imagine being the aggressor, the victim and finally an assertive person. Your friend can play the opposite role of passive versus aggressive and so on. Finally, see what it feels like to change from being in a passive/aggressive stance to using assertive body language. Just standing in a confident, calm way can feel empowering.

Communication
Clear communication is an important part of assertiveness. This is where you show:

knowledge – you are able to understand and summarise the situation
feelings – you can explain your feelings about the situation
needs – you are able to explain clearly what you want or need, giving your reasons and any benefits to the other party
Assertive communication
It isn't just the content of what you say that counts, it is the way you put it across. It helps to:

be honest with yourself about your own feelings
keep calm and stick to the point
be clear, specific and direct
if you meet objections, keep repeating your message whilst also listening to the other's point of view. Try to offer alternative solutions if you can
ask, if you are unsure about something
if the other person tries to create a diversion, point this out calmly and repeat your message
use appropriate body language
always respect the rights and point of view of the other person
Practising
With a friend, practise being assertive in certain business situations, such as refusing to accept additional work or having to give constructive criticism to a colleague. Explain the scenario to your friend. Using role-play, go through the situation, making your points clearly with your friend responding as the other person.

"I'd be delighted to help you with that piece of work, but we'll need to agree what other current projects you don't want me to do, because I won't have time to do them all."

Afterwards, ask your friend to tell you what went well and where you could make improvements.

Try the situation again. Then swap roles to see the other person's perspective.

Once you have practised being more assertive, think through your new techniques before entering a situation that requires assertiveness. Imagine your body language, work out how to deliver your message clearly. Imagine how you will react to any possible responses.

Getting help from others
Some people may feel they need additional help to become more assertive.

Assertiveness training
Your local library will have details of classes and most adult education institutions offer courses in assertiveness training. These groups tend to vary in approach and in the skill of the teacher. It's a good idea to find out how experienced the teacher is beforehand.

Counselling/psychotherapy
If you continually act in a predominantly passive or aggressive way, or if you think past experiences have particularly influenced the way you behave, counselling or psychotherapy sessions may be helpful. A trained practitioner will help you to examine previous experiences. This can lead you to understand why you act as you do, and will help you to think differently about yourself and to adopt positive, assertive behaviour.

Conclusion
Although it can be daunting, the benefits of learning assertiveness are great. Assertiveness allows you to communicate better, command respect, and be listened to within respectful, negotiating relationships

BUPA's Health