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One
of the most important skills we can learn that will
help us manage and fulfill our priorities is to say
"No." Once we get there, it becomes easier
and easier, but initially it can be extremely awkward
and unpopular with others. Knowing the stages we’ll
go through can help us realize that what’s happening
is natural and that its not just that we can’t
seem to do it.
Stage
1: Identifying Opportunities
In
this initial stage we have identified our need to
learn to say "No" and have made it a goal.
What happens is that we start to identify opportunities
that have already past where we could have and should
have said "No." We may easily be able to
relate to this stage. Most of us at one time or another
have said to ourselves or someone else "I never
should have agreed to do this." It’s that
regretful feeling that we didn’t take the chance
when we had it. This is an important stage in the
process, though, since it instills within us the negative
experiences that can result from not having said "No."
When enough of those build up, we move on to the next
stage.
Stage
2: Backing Up
This
next stage of learning and practicing saying "No"
is the most difficult. What actually happens is that
we continue to say "Yes," but decide later
that we really should have said "No." We
get up the courage to make it right, go back to the
other person and tell them we’ve changed our
mind. We may feel uncertain, uncomfortable, embarrassed,
unsure of ourselves, and not fully believe that what
we’re trying to do is the right thing. Responses
from others who let us know that we’ve let them
down, we’re going back on your promise, or what
will they do now certainly contribute to the discomfort
we feel within this stage. We also, however, begin
feeling intense moments of relief, self-confidence,
and pride in ourselves. This is a stage where we seem
to need the most reassurance that we’re on the
right track. Bear with it, because it will be well
worth it! When these positive experiences begin to
have more impact than the discomfort, we move on to
the next stage.
Stage
3: Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time
Within
this stage, we have arrived at a place where we are
able to say no at the right time: immediately. Again,
this stage can be somewhat uncomfortable, but much
of the discomfort, fear, and lack of confidence from
the last stage has minimized dramatically. Because
we are human beings who have feelings, we may never
completely be rid of some sense of guilt or discomfort,
but it will continue to have less and less of an impact
on us.
No
matter what stage you are in or if you’ve just
decided to start learning to say "No," use
this information to reassure yourself that you’re
not alone, you’re not crazy, and you’re
not a bad person because you say "No" to
someone. None of us are any good to anyone else unless
we do what is right for us first.
Donna
Birk
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