Assertiveness skills training -- it's not just for wimps

Think of assertiveness training and you think of timid, conflict-avoidant souls yearning to speak up for themselves.

But these are also examples of non-assertive behavior, none of which help workplaces, or employees, be at their best. The inability to communicate assertively - on either end of the spectrum - can silently derail your career without you realizing what happened.

So what is assertiveness, and how does it compare to other possible ways to influence others? How can you spot assertive behavior and become a more effective co-worker or manager?

You don't think about angry co-workers who seem to have no problem having their voices heard (about everything). You don't think about people you can't depend on to follow through on what they promise.

Assertiveness is about needs, how much we stand up for our own and how much consideration we have for others. We can:

• Let others walk all over us and let our own needs be trampled, such as when we are swamped with work and agree to take on just one more task without hesitation (that's called passive -- the needs of others take precedence over yours);
• We can let these lazy, #$% people know that no one is going to mess with us and they better not dare ask for anything more (that's called aggressive -- you boldly insist that your needs are met);
• We can happily agree to do whatever is asked, and then somehow never get around to it (that's called passive-aggressive -- you subtly make sure your needs are met);
• Or we can calmly explain that we are in the middle of another project right now, and agree to a time that we realistically could fit in this additional task, or suggest another alternative. If it's our boss asking, we can ask him or her to help us prioritize. (This is called assertive -- you clearly express your own needs while taking into consideration the needs of others.)

Aggressive people create an unpleasant work atmosphere that others want to avoid. You recognize them by their loud tone, derogatory comments, flowing insults and forceful attitude.

We may justify our aggressive behavior because we are frustrated, stressed or upset about something. (If you're saying to yourself it's because these idiots don't know what they're doing, you may be leaning on the aggressive side.) We all have a bad day once in a while, but if we continue down this path, our lack of promotions and new opportunities will be one more source for our anger.

Passive-aggressiveness, on the other hand, is even more difficult to deal with and overcome because it is harder to recognize, at least in the beginning. Co-workers and managers figure it out after a while, and though few would pinpoint the word to describe why they would rather not work with us, the new challenges that are critical to our career advancement and satisfaction will dwindle.

The passive-aggressive person gets their way indirectly, saying exactly what they think others want to hear, but then doing whatever they want. There's always an excuse or a scapegoat. Passive-aggressive co-workers don't address disagreements directly, but gossip and grumble to anyone else that will listen.

Then there are the classic submissive employees that are most typically scheduled for assertiveness training. Their lack of confidence or inability to voice their opinion forces them to agree to anything or to let important information go unsaid.

While we all may choose to avoid conflict by allowing the needs of others to prevail in some circumstances, consistent passive behavior leaves us feeling victimized, manipulated and resentful. Many aggressive outbursts emerge from the frustration that erupts, and we wonder what happened to that quiet person we used to know.

So how do you become more assertive? A great video on assertiveness skills by John Cleese of Video Arts recommends some tips:

• Be honest about what's relevant. The reason passive-aggressive co-workers are so annoying is that won't just be honest. They say one thing and do another. Assertive people speak up and honestly say what they mean, but do so in a way that is respectful, direct and concise.
• Adopt a problem-solving approach. You're busy, someone needs something else from you. Don't just let it dump into your lap, but don't angrily throw it back either. Take five minutes to help think through other alternatives to get getting it done. I'd be glad to talk with you about that but right now I'm busy with this report. I'll call you later this afternoon, or maybe John could assist you.
• Stick to your bottom line. If you really can't do it, just keep saying so. "I don't need this and I would like my money back." After some push-back from the customer service person: "I understand it works for others, but I would just like my money back." After they persist: "I just would like my money back."
• Use your imagination. If you're dealing with an aggressive person, try to empathize with their frustration by imagining that they have had an incredibly bad day and you're the first person they can take it out on. It will help you from escalating the problem by getting angry and aggressive back. Imagine a seesaw, and you're trying to balance their needs and yours.

So three steps to remember as you structure an assertive response include:

1. Show empathy. I know you are anxious to get your products, and we want to get them to you as soon as possible.
2. Describe the problem. We have two other orders that came before you.
3. Make your request or statement. You will receive your order no later than 4:00 this afternoon.

Assertiveness works everywhere: on the shop floor, in the board room, in meetings, at the sales counter, or on the phone with the utility company that has overcharged you on your bill. It even works with teenagers!

Bottom line, don't get pushed around, but don't be the pusher either. Assertive, confident, even-tempered employees are the ones that get ahead. Others may not realize why, but chances are they won't.

By Theresa Kane