The components of assertive behavior listed in this brochure are provided to facilitate appropriately assertive communication in a Western-based cultural setting. And while we hope these tips will enhance your assertiveness while living, socializing, and communicating in U.S. culture, we recognize that there are important variations in interpersonal communication across cultures that impact the “what” and “how” of being assertive. For example, traditional Asian cultures value subtlety and indirectness in communication. More direct or confrontational styles may be viewed as disrespectful and lacking in finesse.

Nonverbals, an important aspect of communication, may also vary. For instance, individuals from Latino, African/African American, Arab, South American, or French backgrounds may tend to stand much closer together when conversing than do European Americans. In terms of facial expressions, while demonstrating congruence between your inner feelings and outward expressions is generally helpful, it is important to consider that in some cultures (e.g., Japanese and Chinese), restraint of strong emotions such as anger and sadness is considered to be a sign of wisdom and maturity. Tone of voice, too, can show considerable variation. Many Europeans Americans tend to speak more loudly and charismatically than people from Asian countries, but may be considered soft-spoken compared to Arabs. Finally, behaviors used to show that one is listening may also vary by culture. African Americans may not always look at their conversation partner, nod their head, or say “uh huh” to indicate that they are listening. The “take-home” message is that what is considered appropriately assertive can vary by culture. Be thoughtful about how your own cultural background and those of others may play a role.

Barriers to Assertiveness

Many people struggle to develop assertiveness because they believe that they do not have the right to be assertive, lack the skills to express themselves effectively, or feel highly anxious or fearful about asserting themselves. They may also struggle due to social and cultural factors.
Since assertiveness tends to require a sense of safety and belonging, individuals who feel different or that they cannot be themselves, may be less apt to act in an assertive manner. In other words, when people are afraid or uncomfortable, they often hold back. For instance, individuals who are a member of a cultural minority group (whether ethnic, gender, or sexual orientation) may fear being judged or rejected and thus keep their views or other important parts of themselves hidden.

Women, for example, are not taught to directly communicate their wants and needs the same way that men are. And when they do communicate their needs, they are more likely to be viewed as aggressive rather than assertive. Assertiveness thus extends beyond individual skills and into the community. Ultimately, being assertive is about creating an open and accepting environment that welcomes a diversity of styles and perspectives, thereby enabling others to live and act in an authentic, assertive manner.

Examples of an Assertive Student

Scenario 1: Your roommate is driving you up a wall—she never cleans up her messes, she uses your things without asking, and often has her boyfriend over without asking you first. What do you do? Instead of shooting her dirty looks (that don’t seem to work) or complaining endlessly to your parents and friends, try talking with her in an assertive manner. Consider the following possibilities: Passive response: Say nothing, but get upset when you clean up her messes. Aggressive response: “You’re such a rude person to leave your filthy clothes and dishes all over the place! I wish I had a single room.” Assertive response: “I was hoping we could talk about keeping our room clean. I get frustrated when you don’t do your dishes. Maybe we could come up with a reasonable solution together.”

Scenario 2: The partner you have been assigned for a group project is frequently late to meetings and doesn’t seem to do his share of the work. He just showed up 15 minutes late for your meeting at the library. What do you do? Passive response: “Hi, let me show you what I’ve been working on so far” [while inside you’re thinking: once again, I’m doing all the work!]. Aggressive response: Late again?! I wish I hadn’t gotten paired with someone so irresponsible. Assertive response: Before we start, I’d like to talk to you about our meetings. I have been irritated when we don’t start on time. We were supposed to meet at 8:30 and now it’s 9:00. Can we discuss this, so that we can work well together?

Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, it may be helpful to work with a therapist, friend, or family member whom you trust. Remember to use your assertive skills selectively. It takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. It can be helpful to keep a special notebook and log entries including self-examination, readings, goals, etc., as well as the situations, people, attitudes, behaviors, and obstacles you encounter as you practice expressing yourself. Observe your own behavior, keep track of your progress, and set realistic goals. As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting relationships and a supportive environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets. Once again, becoming assertive is a process that unfolds over time, and practice and patience will help you on your journey to become more assertive.