Do you find that people don't take your 'No' as an answer?
Do you sometimes feel that your contributions are not taken seriously?
Perhaps you find it difficult to voice your thoughts or ideas when you're in a meeting?
Being able to communicate assertively is a critical key for success for many people. It can aid career advancement, help you get your ideas and message across effectively, as well as making you far more influential in gaining results and outcomes.
Lets have a look at the following 3 areas to gain understanding and develop strategy to become more assertive:
- Defining Assertiveness
- Why we can sometimes find it difficult
- How to become more assertive
1. Defining Assertiveness:
Firstly, we need to understand the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. When someone is assertive their tone and the use of language will be different than if they express themselves aggressively. When someone uses aggressive communication there is no place for the other person's opinion. The communication is forced and generally more of a one way dialog. The attitude of an aggressive person is commonly expressed as "my way is the right way" or they speak in very absolute language. For example "I told you", or "the facts of the matter" are and it has little room to be questioned.
When someone is being assertive there is always room for the other person's opinion. You can arrive at a solution together, which is mutually acceptable to both.
Assertiveness simply means we feel free to communicate in a calm, honest and open manner, regardless of the situation or reaction. You do not have to threaten the other person to get what you want. You can use firm but a gentle tone to put forth your thought or opinion. One thought is to start your sentences with 'I' instead of 'You' and the focus will shift immediately. The other person will also be in better frame of mind to listen to you when they do not perceive you are using accusative or an attacking style of communication.
2. Why Do We Find it Difficult?
One of the reasons assertiveness can be difficult is that it confronts the basic need to feel safe and secure when you converse with other individuals. The context of the relationship may also place underlying pressure on the basic need to be accepted and not rejected at times.
For example, some people notice when communicating to a colleague or senior manager how different they feel in their ability to communicate comfortably. The different perceived expectations with senior relationships can affect their communication ability as opposed to colleagues and subordinates.
One reason for this may be that they feel the pressure to perform with superiors and that they are being judged more closely. This would have a direct effect on their ability to communicate freely and be relaxed. This may not be your experience but does gives us an insight to why some have an inability to be assertive. It can also be personality related IE. introverted or extroverted personality styles.
Being Assertive is not just using a certain set of communication skills or behaviors. Assertiveness is, first and foremost an attitude of mind with an accompanying set of beliefs about yourself and the world around you.
So the first step to becoming more assertive is to make a decision that you are going to be more assertive!
3. How to become more assertiveness
So what can you do practically to become more assertive, even if it is not your natural personality style?
Here are some things to focus on after you have read this:
• Start becoming more aware of where you find it difficult to be assertive.
• Find some personal reflection time to try and identify the root causes of the difficulties and write them down to externalize. This helps self awareness.
Some examples of the questions you might ask yourself:
• Is it only around certain personality styles?
• What is the nature of the relational position to the people I struggle to be assertive with?
• What are some of the key feelings I experience that tend to hold me back... Fear, anxiety, lack of recognition or respect?
Once you have identified some of the common relationships and situations when this occurs you can start to work on it.
One common mistake some people make is trying to mirror the same extrovert behavior they identify with people they perceive to be more assertive. Being assertive is not becoming louder or more dominant in your communication. A simple strategy to use to increase your assertiveness is to become someone who asks more questions rather than making opinions or statements. This is normally a good first step and far less intimidating to someone trying to become more assertive. It is a lot easier to ask a question then make a statement as it is less confronting.
In addition to asking more questions try practicing asking more suggestion style open questions for example:
"So if we tried this how do you think that would work?" Rather than I think we should do this or in my opinion we should do it this way.
This type of question is called seeding. In other words planting seeds or ideas which can influence the following communication.
