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How often have you had the
perfect reply for a situation where your needs and
opinions were being ignored … the day AFTER
that situation occurred? Most of us are not good at
effectively saying how we really feel and asking for
what we really need. Maybe it feels uncomfortable
or wrong, or just too scary. Whatever the reason,
we tend to settle for less than we want, and then
later regret that decision. The way out of this trap
is to develop assertiveness skills. Assertiveness
is simply the ability to say how you feel and ask
for what you need without disrespecting the rights
of others. Our one-day
Assertiveness Training seminar will give you the
assertiveness skills you need to say it right the
first time.
Assertiveness:
An Approach To Conflict
What
is "assertiveness"? It is one of the most
important strategies to manage stress - the kind of
stress that comes from other people! Conflict situations
that are not handled assertively, can lead to feelings
of stress, frustration and anger - feelings that build
up over time, affecting our physical and mental health.
Being
assertive means expressing feelings directly and honestly;
asking for what you want directly; and saying no,
firmly and clearly, to something you don't want or
feel unable to do.
Why
do people fail to be assertive?
People
often fail to respond assertively - suppressing their
feelings, failing to state their needs and wishes,
or agreeing to things that they can't do properly
or don't want to do at all. Why? Often, it's hard
to extend the same respect to myself that I would
do to others. Yet the more I allow other people to
walk over me, the less self-respect I have and the
more I feel the need to please everyone around me
and be perfect in their eyes. The result: more stress,
and sometimes an open invitation to other people to
take advantage. If you're a "people pleaser",
you might be surprised to discover how much more people
actually like and respect you when you're assertive!
Assertiveness
gives balance
Assertiveness
is a balanced way of communicating that avoids these
two extremes. It doesn't allow people to walk away
with the idea that you are open to pressure or manipulation
- but at the same time, it avoids situations where
rudeness, hostility, threats or insults are escalating.
It is possible to be indirectly aggressive: some people
use "passive aggression", employing passive
resistance and indirect, veiled communication to get
their point across. Not surprisingly, it hardly ever
works - people may be annoyed and frustrated but they
hardly ever "get the message".
Another
disguised form of aggressiveness is "manipulation",
where someone tries to get what he or she wants by
making other people feel sorry for them or guilty
about them. Like aggression, submission and passive-aggression,
manipulation is a way of avoiding responsibility.
It finds its target in the person who always apologises
or comes up with a nest of excuses instead of simply
saying, "No, I'm not able to do that". Manipulation
can be effective in getting what you want, but there
is a high price to pay in loss of respect from others,
and often, self-respect as well.
Assertiveness,
by contrast, has been defined as "taking responsibility
for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves
the dignity of other people" (Bourne, 1995).
How
to use assertiveness
Here
are some examples of situations that should be handled
assertively to minimise stress:
High-pressure salespeople who try to keep you talking
Handling annoying or offensive behaviour
Ending a relationship
Being kept waiting, or stood up for an appointment
Queue jumping
Dealing with unsatisfactory service or goods
Needing to ask a favour of somebody
Confronting someone who isn't carrying their fair
share of the workload
Striking up conversations with new people
Being interrupted in a conversation or in the middle
of a task
Having to interrupt someone else who is busy or get
their attention
Unacceptable behaviour from a friend or family member
Unwarranted or unfair criticism
Accepting a compliment
Body language
Assertiveness
involves body language as well as words. Looking away
from people, crossing legs or arms while you speak,
backing away, or emotional outbursts all undermine
the effectiveness of your message. Rather, look directly
at the other person, keep an open stance and posture,
"stand your ground" physically and keep
calm. You can't help being angry and upset, perhaps,
but you CAN help the moment you choose to communicate
your feelings and how you go about doing that.
Keep
calm
If
you're calm, it is easier to be specific, which is
a key to effective assertiveness. You might think
"I'd like more help" is an assertive statement
- but it's easily argued with or deflected. Better
to say "I'd like you to do the washing up after
supper tonight" - or whatever. Being specific
prevents the possibility of any misunderstanding:
the who, when and what of your request are clear as
day. You may also need to be specific about consequences
when being assertive: "When you talk down to
me like that, it gives the impression that you think
I'm stupid, and I focus on that instead of what you're
saying". Expressing feelings directly ("I
feel angry and frustrated when you use that tone of
voice. I'm angry that you don't respect me")
is important, to yourself as much as to the other
person involved, because it acknowledges that your
feelings are valid and important, compelling the other
person to acknowledge them.
Correct
timing
Preparation
and timing are essential to effective assertiveness.
Before trying to change your style of communication,
it's important to think about your rights in the specific
situation (e.g. "I have a right to be informed
about this"; "I have a right to be treated
with respect in my own house"). Picking a suitable
time is the next step. Then you state the problem
in terms of its consequences, express your feelings
and - most importantly - make your request. Assertive
requests are firm, simple, contain no apology, assign
no blame or judgment, and are never phrased as a threat
or a demand ("You'll do what I ask, or else....").
They usually take the form of a statement e.g. "I
would like", "I want", "I would
appreciate" or "Would you please...".
Lastly, you finish off by stating the consequences
of a positive response, particularly if you're dealing
with a work colleague, friend or family member. (In
assertive situations with strangers, this step doesn't
usually apply).
By
Sally Davies
"Assertiveness
- Expressing Feelings Directly and Honestly"
Assertiveness
Training Quote
"Just do what must be done. This may not
be happiness, but it is greatness."
Author:George Bernard Shaw
Suggested
Reading:
Assertiveness
Training for Professional
by Helg Rhodes
Special
techniques in assertiveness training for women in
the health professions
by Melodie Chenevert
Stat:
Special Techniques in Assertiveness Training for Women
in the Health Professions
by Melodie, Rn Chenevert
So,
What Is Assertiveness?: An Assertiveness Training
Course
by Chrissie Whitehead
Assertiveness
Skills
by Nelda Shelton, Sharon Burton
How
to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive Woman in Life,
in Love, and on the Job : the Total Guide to Self-Assertiveness)
by Jean Baer
The
Assertiveness Pocketbook (Management Pocket Book Series)
by Max A. Eggert
Real
Solution Assertiveness Workbook
by Richard H. Pfeiffer, Richard Pfeiffer
The
Business of Assertiveness
by Rennie Fritchie
Assertiveness
Training
by Martha Davis
Holistic
Assertiveness Skills for Nurses: Empower Yourself
and Others
by Carolyn Chambers Clark
Develop
Your Assertiveness (Better Management Skills Series)
by Sue Bishop
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