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A lot of people just don't like the idea of having
to tell people they can't do something. Or they feel
obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel
pressurised when someone senior to them needs
something done.
There are even some work places where saying no is
definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police
force, could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.
After having worked for some time with people where
saying no either feels impossible or just isn't
allowed, we created a body of work to address it. In
some cases it is indeed, how to say no without ever
saying the word.
Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is
a necessity. But in our experience, there is so much
anxiety around the possible consequences of using it,
that people don't say anything at all, or agree to
things they'd rather not, or get landed with work that
isn't theirs and so on.
That can't be good for anyone, but especially the
person who finds themselves staying late at the end of
the day to get their own work done after they've
finished everyone else's; or who swallows their
resentment when they are 'volunteered' for something
they don't want to do; or who quakes at the idea of
having to be a bit tougher with a supplier or even
someone they manage.
This is one issue we have felt so passionately about
that we even wrote a book that deals with it: The Nice
Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?)
This document is going to focus on one aspect of that
book, which is about how to say no in a way that's
manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and
actually might be some fun. For a more in-depth look,
do have a peek at the book.
It's Not Assertiveness
Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art
of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often
asked what the difference is between our work and
assertiveness training. The reason we've been asked
this is that assertiveness training has been around
for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying
no business isn't just more of the same.
Well, no it isn't, and here's why.
We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting.
For instance, people say you should be assertive
rather than aggressive, as if assertiveness is the
only way to deal with a difficult situation. It isn't.
If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively
fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do.
The key word here is appropriate.
So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate,
assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a
greater range of choice of behaviour than those two
types that could be equally appropriate.
Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about
some of the things that happen to people when what
they think and feel is different from what they do.
Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern
of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer
than they really want to until they reach the point of
no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode
nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens
to be around.
There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen. The
first is that the rage happens inside the head and
remains unexpressed. The second is that it is
inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved,
like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus
conductor, becomes the recipient. The third is
properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out
of all proportion to the probably small, but
nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.
Not Nice Not Nasty
This leaves people with the impression that there are
only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or
Nasty. When, in fact, they have forgotten a whole
range of behaviour that lies between Nice and Nasty
that can be termed Not-Nice (or even Not-Nasty).
What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is
often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no,
stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite
difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our
jargon - simply too nice for your own good. The
concept of asserting yourself, (getting your voice
heard, being understood, being taken into account,
getting your own way) needs to be broadened to include
all forms of behaviour. It can include humour,
submission, irresponsibility, manipulation,
playfulness, aggressiveness, etc.
The key point here is that the behaviour - nice,
not-nice, nasty - is chosen. We emphasise the word
key, because until people are able to choose behaviour
that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of
possible consequences, they will not be able to act no
matter how well they are taught to be assertive. They
will still feel overwhelmed in difficult situations.
Managing Feelings
It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings
associated with changing behaviour are real and valid.
Once people do that, then these (usually difficult)
feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign
that something new is happening. At this point people
can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather
than having to endure them or trying to pretend they
are not happening.
The idea of choice is very important. If people feel
they have real choice about how they behave, they
start to realise that it can be OK to put up with
something they don't like. They can choose it because
they want to; it is to their advantage. They then
avoid the disempowering tyranny of always having to
assert themselves. (Which is almost as bad as feeling
you always have to be compliant or nice.)
Many people think that in order to be assertive, you
need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand
your ground'. In fact, you ignore those feelings at
your peril.
Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of
proportion to what the situation warrants. They may
well reflect a previous difficult event more
accurately. But because that previous difficulty was
so difficult, it feels as though every similar
situation will be the same.
It is only by beginning to experience and understand
how crippling these feelings can be that people can
start to do anything about changing their behaviour.
Many people know what they could say; they know what
they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have
conversations in their heads about how to resolve a
conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say
'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do
or say is not the issue here.
Therefore, in looking at practising 'the art of saying
no', it is wise to broaden the brief to so that it
isn't about becoming more assertive; rather it's about
changing your behaviour to fit the circumstances.
While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a
straight jacket of it's own (often creating resistance
and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be
freeing, because there is choice in the matter. Using
charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate
manipulation, may well get you what you want without
having to attempt behaviour that may go against your
personality.
If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of
Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than
another difficult mountain to climb.
Saying No
Here are some pointers of what could make it easier to
say 'no'.
If you're saying something serious, notice whether you
smile or not. Smiling gives a mixed message and
weakens the impact of what you're saying.
If someone comes over to your desk and you want to
appear more in charge, stand up. This also works when
you're on the phone. Standing puts you on even eye
level and creates a psychological advantage.
If someone sits down and starts talking to you about
what they want, avoid encouraging body language, such
as nods and ahas. Keep your body language as still as
possible.
Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're
interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or
'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?'
etc.)
It's all right to interrupt! A favourite technique of
ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm
really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.' Then use
whatever tool fits the situation. If you let someone
have their whole say without interrupting, they could
get the impression you're interested and willing. All
the while they get no message to the contrary, they
will think you're on board with their plan (to get you
to do whatever...)
Pre-empt. As soon as you see someone bearing down on
you (and your heart sinks because you know they're
going to ask for something), let them know you know:
'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask
me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help
you out, but I just can't.'
Pre-empt two. Meetings are a great place to get landed
with work you don't want. You can see it coming. So to
avoid the inevitable, pre-empt, 'I need to let
everyone know right at the top, that I can't fit
anything else into my schedule for the next two weeks
(or whatever).'
Any of these little tips can help you feel more
confident and will support your new behaviour. For
that's what this is: If you're someone whom others
know they can take advantage (they may not even be
doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you
need to indicate by what you do that things have
changed.
Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:
Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical
houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of
them. The first house has a Yale lock on the front
door. The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on
the front door. The third house has a Yale and a Chubb
lock on the front door and bars on the window. The
fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front
door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. The fifth
house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door,
bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.
Which would you burgle?
When you make it easy for other people, they will
naturally keep coming back. By learning more effective
ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to
expect you to do what they want without taking into
account what's going on for you. You become more
burglar-proof.
Changing Others by Changing Yourself
A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict
with, or feel intimidated by, would change. Then
everything would be all right. We've all heard this
from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it
ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't
be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining
about my work, I'd be much happier.'
'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change
how and who they are and makes them responsible for
how we feel. By using some of the tools outlined
above, people can get a sense of being in charge of
situations, rather than being victims to what other
people want.
It does seem to be part of human nature to blame
others when things go wrong in our lives, or when
we're feeling hard done by. If you take away the 'if
only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and
make the other person wrong. It's also rather
wonderful to think that rather than waiting for
someone else to change to make things all right, we
all have the ability to take charge of most situations
and make them all right for ourselves.
What also makes it easier is that we all just have to
get better at 'the art of saying no'; none of us has
to change our whole personalities to create a more
satisfying outcome!
Source: Jo Ellen Grzyb
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