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Building self-confidence and assertiveness is
probably a lot easier than you think. 'Non-assertive'
people (in other words 'normal people') do not
generally want to transform into being excessively
dominant people. When most people talk about wanting
to be more assertive, what they usually really mean
is:
'How can I become more able to resist the pressure and
dominance of excessively dominant people?'
'How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in
particular)?'
And also, 'How can I exert a little more control in
situations that are important to me?'
Pure assertiveness - dominance for the sake of being
dominant - is not a natural behaviour for most people.
Most people are not naturally assertive. Most people
tend to be passive by nature. The assertive behaviour
of highly dominant people tends to be driven by their
personality (and often some insecurity). It is not
something that has been 'trained'.
For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness
it is helpful to understand the typical personality
and motivation of excessively dominant people, who
incidentally cause the most worry to non-assertive
people.
It's helpful also at this point to explain the
difference between leadership with dominance: Good
leadership is inclusive, developmental, and a force
for what is right. Good leadership does not 'dominate'
non-assertive people, it includes them and involves
them. Dominance as a management style is not good in
any circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards
and results, mostly for the benefit of the dominant,
and it fails completely to make effective use of
team-members' abilities and potential.
The fact is that most excessively dominant people are
usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down very insecure
people. They dominate because they are too insecure to
allow other people to have responsibility and
influence, and this behaviour is generally conditioned
from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant
bullying behaviour is effectively reinforced by the
response given by 'secure' and 'non-assertive' people
to bullying. The bully gets his or her own way. The
bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it
persists.
Dominant, bullying people, usually from a very young
age, become positively conditioned to bullying
behaviour, because in their own terms it works. Their
own terms are generally concerned with satisfying
their ego and selfish drives to get their own way, to
control, to achieve status (often implanted by
insecure ambitious parents), to manipulate, make
decisions, build empires, to collect material signs of
achievement, monetary wealth, and particularly to
establish protective mechanisms, such as 'yes-men'
followers ('body-guards'), immunity from challenge and
interference, scrutiny, judgement, etc. Early
childhood experiences play an important part in
creating bullies. Bullies are victims as well as
aggressors. And although it's a tough challenge for
anyone on the receiving end of their behaviour they
actually deserve sympathy.
N.B. Sympathy is not proposed here to be a sole or
significant tactic in countering bullying. Rather,
sympathy is advocated as a more constructive,
stronger, alternative feeling to being fearful or
intimidated.
Non-assertive people do not normally actually aspire
to being excessively dominant people, and they
certainly don't normally want to become bullies. When
most people talk about wanting to be more assertive,
what they really mean is 'I'd like to be more able to
resist the pressure and dominance of excessively
dominant people.' Doing this is not really so hard,
and using simple techniques it can even be quite
enjoyable and fulfilling.
Importantly, the non-assertive person should
understand where they really are - a true starting
point: non-assertive behaviour is a sign of strength
usually, not weakness, and often it is the most
appropriate behaviour for most situations - don't be
fooled into thinking that you always have to be more
assertive.
Understand where you want to be: what level of
assertiveness do you want? Probably to defend
yourself, and to control your own choices and destiny
(which are relatively easy using the techniques
below), not to control others.
For people who are not naturally assertive, it is
possible to achieve a perfectly suitable level of
assertiveness through certain simple methods and
techniques, rather than trying to adopt a generally
more assertive personal style (which could be
counter-productive and stressful, because it would not
be natural). People seeking to be more assertive can
dramatically increase their effective influence and
strength by using just one or two of these four
behaviours prior to, or when confronted by a more
dominant character or influence, or prior to and when
dealing with a situation in which they would like to
exert more control. Here are some simple techniques
and methods for developing self-confidence and more
assertive behaviour.
Assertiveness and self-confidence methods and
techniques
Know the facts relating to the situation and have the
details to hand.
Be ready for - anticipate - other people's behaviour
and prepare your responses.
Prepare and use good open questions.
Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to
aggression (posters can help you think and become how
you want to be - display positive writings where you
will read them often - it's a proven successful
technique).
Have faith that your own abilities and style will
ultimately work if you let them.
Feel sympathy for bullies - they actually need it.
Read inspirational things that reinforce your faith in
proper values and all the good things in your own
natural style and self, for example, Ruiz's The Four
Agreements, Kipling's If, Desiderata, Cherie
Carter-Scott's 'rules of life', Wimbrow's The Guy In
The Glass, etc.
know the facts and have them to hand
Ensure you know all the facts in advance - do some
research, and have it on hand ready to produce (and
give out copies if necessary). Bullies usually fail to
prepare their facts; they dominate through bluster,
force and reputation. If you know and can produce
facts to support or defend your position it is
unlikely that the aggressor will have anything
prepared in response. When you know that a situation
is going to arise, over which you'd like to have some
influence, prepare your facts, do your research, do
the sums, get the facts and figures, solicit opinion
and views, be able to quote sources; then you will be
able to make a firm case, and also dramatically
improve your reputation for being someone who is
organised and firm.
Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your
responses
Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your
own responses. Role-play in your mind how things are
likely to happen. Prepare your responses according to
the different scenarios that you think could unfold.
Prepare other people to support and defend you. Being
well prepared will increase your self-confidence and
enable you to be assertive about what's important to
you.
Prepare and use good open questions
Prepare and use good questions to expose flaws in
other people's arguments. Asking good questions is the
most reliable way of gaining the initiative, and
taking the wind out of someone's sails, in any
situation. Questions that bullies dislike most are
deep, constructive, incisive and probing, especially
if the question exposes a lack of thought,
preparation, consideration, consultation on their
part. For example:
'What is your evidence (for what you have said or
claimed)?'
'Who have you consulted about this?'
'How did you go about looking for alternative
solutions?'
'How have you measured (whatever you say is a
problem)?'
'How will you measure the true effectiveness of your
solution if you implement it?'
'What can you say about different solutions that have
worked in other situations?'
And don't be fobbed off. Stick to your guns. If the
question is avoided or ignored return to it, or
re-phrase it (which you can prepare as well).
Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to
aggression
Re-conditioning your own reaction to dominant people,
particularly building your own 'triggered reactions',
giving yourself 'thinking time' to prevent yourself
being bulldozed, and 'making like a brick wall' in the
face of someone else's attempt to dominate you without
justification. Try visualising yourself behaving in a
firmer manner, saying firmer things, asking firm
clear, probing questions, and presenting well-prepared
facts and evidence. Practice in your mind saying 'Hold
on a minute - I need to consider what you have just
said.' Also practice saying 'I'm not sure about that.
It's too important to make a snap decision now.' Also
'I can't agree to that at such short notice. Tell me
when you really need to know, and I'll get back to
you.' There are other ways to help resist bulldozing
and bullying. Practice and condition new reactions in
yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that
someone might shout at you or have a tantrum. If you
are worried about your response to being shouted at
then practice being shouted at until you realise it
really doesn't hurt - it just makes the person doing
the shouting look daft. Practice with your most scary
friend shouting right in your face for you to 'do as
you are told', time after time, and in between each
time say calmly (and believe it because it's true)
'You don't frighten me.' Practice it until you can
control your response to being shouted at.
Have faith that your own abilities will ultimately
work if you use them
Non-assertive people have different styles and methods
compared to dominant, aggressive people and bullies.
Non-assertive people are often extremely strong in
areas of process, detail, dependability, reliability,
finishing things (that others have started), checking,
monitoring, communicating, interpreting and
understanding, and working cooperatively with others.
These capabilities all have the potential to undo a
bully who has no proper justification. Find out what
your strengths and style are and use them to defend
and support your position. The biggest tantrum is no
match for a well organized defense.
Feel sympathy rather than fear towards bullies
Re-discover the belief that non-assertive behaviour is
actually okay - it's the bullies who are the ones with
the problems. Feeling sympathy for someone who
threatens you - thereby resisting succumbing to
fearful or intimidated feelings - can help to move you
psychologically into the ascendancy, or at least to a
position where you can see weaknesses in the bully.
Aggressors and bullies were commonly children who were
not loved, or children forced to live out the
aspirations of their parents. In many ways all bullies
are still children, and as far as your situation
permits, seeing them as children can help you find
greater strength and resistance. Transactional
Analysis theory, and especially the modern TA
concepts, are helpful for some people in understanding
how this sort of childhood emotional damage affects
people, and how specific communications can be planned
and used in response to excessive dominance, bullying,
temper tantrums, and other threatening behaviours.
N.B. The point above about feeling sympathy for
bullies should not be seen as approval or
justification for bullying. Neither is sympathy
proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in
countering bullying. Rather, sympathy is advocated as
a more constructive, stronger, alternative feeling to
being fearful or intimidated. People responsible for
bullying are the bullies, not the victims. So if you
are a bully: get some feedback, get some help, and
grow up.
Several tactics are explained above to tackle bullying
head-on, as is often very necessary. Additionally in
most western world countries, and many others besides,
there are now serious laws and processes to protect
people from bullying, and these protections should be
invoked whenever bullying becomes a problem.
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