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Assertiveness is an important means for
communicating your needs in a way that is fair to both
yourself and to others. Unfortunately, for some
insecure people, assertive people are sometimes
threatening and it is easier to label them as
arrogant, selfish, or unhelpful when they receive the
answer "no" or when boundaries are made clear by the
assertive person. In particular, those with
manipulation, neediness, and trust problems can see
assertive responses as undermining their own agendas
and will seek to respond with negative critiques of an
assertive person's behavior. This is where it can get
a little tricky for the newly assertive convert but
it's no reason to suddenly start worrying that you are
arrogant!
Check that you are using assertive communication
appropriately. If you're new to assertiveness, or
you're not feeling your usual self because of illness
or stress, etc., you might be resorting to techniques
that are more aggressive, passive aggressive, or
making assumptions where there are none to be made,
rather than being assertive. A quick check you can do
is to think back through your comments and stance with
the person in question and write down what you said.
Read it back: Does it sound to you as if you were
being assertive, or otherwise? Be honest - it's about
you!
Here's a good way to express yourself without being
arrogant: How to Practice Nonviolent Communication
2 Check the context. Sometimes factors come into the
equation that shouldn't. Race, gender, married status,
age, disabilities, illness, and so on can sometimes
cause a person to assume that you have an "attitude",
rather than an assertive style of communication. If
you suspect that this is the situation, continue with
your assertive communication and consider whether it
is worth raising your concern that your status might
be causing negative responses from the person accusing
you of being arrogant, or whether this might even be
something actionable in your workplace, school, etc.
environment.
3 Be an active listener. Letting people know your
boundaries and feelings while at the same time
allowing them space to talk, discuss, and open up
about their feelings is important. Assertiveness is
about give and take; you take a little of their time
to clarify your feelings and you give a lot of your
time to hear about theirs. Remember that a good
listener is also a flatterer and it's hard to find
arrogance in that!
4 Be humble and modest. Assertiveness and humility
make a fine combination. An assertive person doesn't
need to shout "Me, me, me, look what I did!" from the
rooftops. Assertive people are remembered because they
stand firm, their needs and interests are clear to
others, and because they are reliable; they also
frequently become a form of role model for others
seeking to assert themselves effectively. Take this
role to heart but don't boast, big note yourself or
become pushy, no matter how clever, popular, or
successful you might be.
5 Reflect over your communications with others and
your purpose. While assertiveness is about ensuring
that others respect you and what you want in life, it
ceases to be assertive communication when you use
assertiveness techniques to confuse or outwit someone
where you're more knowledgeable, cashed up, or better
off than another person. Assertive communication is
not about "getting your own way". That's turning
assertiveness into aggressive techniques of
communication and that's when you'll be accused of
being arrogant. Always think about the purpose of your
communications - will it make you better understood,
will it ensure that your needs are fully communicated,
and will it still respect the other person's need to
be clearly understood and well informed? For example,
which of these examples do you prefer:
Hi, I'm Arrogi. I bought this iPhone here last week.
It's a lemon. It scrambles my messages, it chewed up
my hard drive, and it emits this high, piercing sound
that makes my dog go insane. Now I just know an iPhone
isn't supposed to behave this way but I suspect that
your store is removing the X factor that makes it work
well when the software download from Herod's site is
added to the overall structure. I mean, you guys think
you're so smart but I'm one ahead of you and this
really stinks. I mean, back in '89 I practically
invented the whole concept but it was stolen from me,
so nothing gets past me ever again. This is so serious
a breach of your store's customer care that I want the
manager, not just a retail rep!"
Hi, I'm Asserti. Oh I see you're Thomasina - Hi
Thomasina! I don't think we've met yet - I think I was
served by Jay before. Anyway, I bought this iPhone
last week and it's a lemon. It scrambles my messages,
it chewed up my hard drive, and it emits this high,
piercing sound that made my dog go insane. Now I just
know an iPhone isn't supposed to behave this way and I
was hoping you might be able to look into it getting
fixed, or perhaps, even better, give me a new one? I'd
really like a new one because then I wouldn't have to
worry it might fail on me again. I've always bought my
gadgets from this store and I have always really
appreciated your customer service. So Thomasina, do
you think you might be able to help me out?"
In the first example, Arrogi starts off OK and then
starts meandering, and ends up being aggressive. In
the second example, Asserti keeps it light,
considerate but still remains focused on the point,
only he asks for buy-in from the retail assistant and
doesn't disrespect her station. Note how he also named
her at the start - establishing rapport with someone
for who they are, not just their role, really matters.
And that is one incredible key to warding off people
finding you arrogant when you practice assertive
communications – you treat the other person like they
matter (because they do).
6 Remember that assertiveness techniques take time to
learn and nobody gets it right all the time.
Apologizing is a good response to a failure to
communicate assertively though and there is always
space to reopen that door to better communications.
7 Don't take negative comebacks to heart. When you are
faced with one of life's more challenging
personalities, the best thing to do is to not take it
personally. Sometimes it is your self-assurance that
is a cause of irritation for less secure people and
their response is to try and weevil their way in
through criticism. This is never a reason to fall back
into old patterns of unhealthy communication styles.
Simply reassert whatever your point is and choose to
leave it there. It is something they can work on with
the full enlightenment on where you stand.
8 Seek the middle way. Sometimes if you're placed in a
position of having to choose between differing
viewpoints in a group, there might be accusations of
arrogance against one division by the other. Always
consider the possibility of being able to acknowledge
both sides of the argument and finding the middle way
to draw the concerns together. You don't necessarily
have to solve the situation but you can be a powerful
facilitator to the group finding an answer to its
division through your assertive communications. In
such situations, inform everyone that the situation is
not one for blame, not one for recriminations, and not
one for finding fault. Instead, help people to see
that there is a chance for compromise by showing them
where each has made assumptions about the other or the
facts of the situation, while still upholding your own
belief or opinion. And suggest that they have another
look at things to reach a compromise.
Source: Mona Westman
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Related: Assertiveness Training
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