Can you say no to other people's requests? Can you ask for what you want or what you need? Are you able to express your feelings directly and clearly? If your answer is no to one or all of the above, chances are that you have difficulty asserting yourself.
When we are non-assertive or submissive, our feelings are discounted or ignored, and our needs are not respected. People have a hard time being assertive because they do not want to hurt others' feelings or disappoint them. Some people want others to like them, they may feel they need to be agreeable to be liked, and they may go out of their ways to do things for others.
Unfortunately, we get into trouble when we can't tell people what we really think, and end up disregarding our own needs or becoming resentful. For example, Jim agreed with his girlfriend that he would pick up groceries and dry cleaning on the way home from work, but he was tired and had a difficult day at work. He didn't want to go out of his way to run those errands. But he couldn't tell her his real feelings so he made himself go. John came home feeling lousy, exhausted, and resentful, and picked a fight with his girlfriend.
If Jim was assertive, he could have avoided creating unnecessary stress for himself and the fight with his girlfriend. Assertiveness is an important skill to have in our everyday interactions. When we are assertive, we express feelings to others and tell them what we need clearly and directly. Being assertive also means saying no to something you do not want to do.
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Aggressive behaviors are forceful, demanding, threatening, or being insensitive to others' rights. Assertiveness, however, involves communicating honestly and directly about your feelings or needs. You have the rights to ask for what you need and take responsibility for your feelings.
Assertive statements are direct and clear requests, not orders or demands. Jim can be assertive by saying to his girlfriend: "I am really tired and had a hard day today; I really want to go home. Would it be okay if I pick those up tomorrow? Or "Could you do it yourself?" He is being clear about how he feels (tired) and what he needs (go home, not run errands), he asked if he could do it tomorrow instead, or he makes a request to his girlfriend to help him out. Jim is much happier by being assertive about what he needs and goes straight home to rest, and he probably wouldn't be mad and fight with his girlfriend. Jim's girlfriend understands that he is tired and she could either run the errands herself or wait until tomorrow. Both Jim and his girlfriend are clear about their own and the other person's needs, therefore no one feels disregarded, angry, or ignored.
