How many times do we experience situations at work that frustrate, annoy, disturb or concern us but we do nothing about them? How many times do we see examples of discrimination and unfair treatment of employees by managers or other employees but we say nothing? What about the many times we complain about someone behind their back but never talk with them directly in an attempt to try and resolve the difficulty? How often do we agree to do something we really don't want to do, and immediately afterwards feel annoyed - with ourselves - because we didn't say "no"? How many of us lament that we don't know how to say "no" without offending people? How often do we start off being very clear and get talked into something we don't want to do?

If only we knew how to be assertive!

Assertiveness is the ability to have our needs met by clearly saying and doing what we want to say and do, without aggression, sarcasm or manipulation, respecting ourselves and others in the process. It is not a personality trait. We are not necessarily assertive 24/7. It is a skill to be learnt and used appropriately. Here are some helpful starting points.

1. Be Clear about What We Want.

What is it about this situation that concerns us? What do we want to change about it? Why do we need it changed? Think in terms of the issue, not the personality of the person. Unless we have well-developed skills in assertiveness, we probably won't do this on the spot. We will go away and reflect on the situation, work out a constructive response and later act on it.

2. Stay Focused on What We want to Achieve - But have a Fall-Back Position.

This is about being open to the other person's needs also. It's often about meeting someone half way. It's not about giving in - again - to the other person's needs. Later we'll give examples of how we lose focus and what we can do about it.

3. Speak and Act in an Emotionally Mature Way.

What generally prevents us from being assertive is emotion, what we are feeling about the particular situation. We need to step back from that, but we don't need to be cold and hard. That can tend towards aggression. What we need to do is to bring emotional intelligence or emotional maturity to the situation.

4. Take Responsibility For, and Own, What We Say and Do.

Assertiveness requires that we use "I" statements. We don't use "you" statements, or even "we" statements. We are clear about why we want to change this situation and we are trusting our judgment about it. We believe that the change needs to be effected. We are prepared to take responsibility for trying to make that happen.

5. Relate Respectfully with the Other Person.

Being assertive is about respecting ourselves and putting value on what we think and feel. It is also about respecting the other and listening to what they think and feel also. There is no room for blame, criticism, sarcasm, put downs or attacks on another's personality in assertive relating.

6. Be Confident in What We Say and Do and How We Say and Do It.

This is why we have to have clarity if we want to be assertive. Volume and tone of voice and body language need to express confidence as well as words. The higher our self-esteem and level of self-awareness the better we will be at assertive relating.

7. Be Short and To the Point.

In approaching a situation in an assertive way, we need to use as few words as possible and give the bottom line first. Assertive people - who are clear about what they need changed - do not give a long preamble of background information or explanatory description before saying what they want to say or do. If we do that, we invite discussion from the other person and it is highly likely we will succumb to their arguments and do what they want, not what we want.