When you take a stand you win respect and grow your self esteem.

Some people have difficulty understanding the difference between Assertive and Aggressive. Others identify aggressiveness easily enough in others, but don't recognize it in their own behavior.

Assertiveness is standing up for yourself in a manner that does not attack anyone else. Aggressiveness involves invading others space, physically and mentally, getting what you want through intimidation and threats.

Most people, on the other hand, do see the difference between Passive and Assertive/ Aggressive.

When you become clear that assertive wins, you become more interested in learning the skill.

To demonstrate Assertive, Passive and Aggressive, we will take a hypothetical example.

Jenny has been waiting all week till payday so she can go shopping and buy a gift for her child's birthday on Saturday. On Friday (payday) at 5pm her boss comes and asks her to work late to finish a report. This report could have been done at any time earlier, but the boss "hadn't got around to it." If Jenny does this, the shops will be closed and she won't have the gift for her daughter when she awakes on Saturday morning.

What is Jenny to do? -- Being Passive means waiting for things to happen TO you, and just accepting what comes.

Passive Jenny will just stay late, without saying anything to her boss about her shopping plans. She will probably feel bad about herself giving in like that. And both she and her daughter will miss out the next morning when there is no birthday present waiting.

Jenny loses by being passive. Her boss wins - Jenny stays late and the report gets done.

Aggressive involves pushing to have your own agenda filled regardless of how this affects other people.

Aggressive Jenny might say something like "No, I will not stay late. You knew about this report all week and just didn't do anything about it. Why should I stay late to cover up for you? Do the report yourself."

Jenny may not have a job for long if this is how she approaches it.

This is a lose-lose situation. Both Jenny and her boss lose.

And Jenny may not have any friends for long either if she approaches other things in this aggressive manner.

Being Assertive means stating what you want in manner that is clear and confident, but does not attack anyone else or put anyone else down in any way. Assertiveness wins.

Assertive Jenny will say "I realize how important this report is. I could have done it this afternoon had I known it was due today. However, it's my daughter's birthday tomorrow and I have been waiting till I got my paycheck to go and buy her present. If I stay late just now, I won't be able to get her gift in time for her birthday. Would it be possible for me to come in early on Monday morning and have the report ready by the time you get in?"

She is stating her need, but at the same time understanding the boss's need, and assertiveness wins by offering a win-win situation.

Sometimes a win-win is not possible.

If the boss says "No, the report has to go out tonight," Jenny then has the choice of continuing with her assertive behavior and stating she is very sorry but at this short notice she cannot work late.

Or she can give in and be passive.

Assertive is not always easy. It is not always popular. Jenny's boss probably didn't like her refusing to work late. But it was a reasonable response, he would know for the next time to give her more notice.

If you have been passive before, when you first start to be assertive, people will try to push you back into being passive. It's easier for them when you are. They get their own way most of the time. You have to be ready for it, and willing to stand your ground until they get used to the "new you."

Once assertiveness has become part of your behavior you will find a growth in your self esteem, confidence and the respect you get from others. Assertiveness wins.

Take a stand only when you feel like it, to begin with. Try being assertive in low risk situations at first, and gradually build it up to being your usual way of behaving.

If you don't feel up to it on any occasion, allow yourself to opt out this time. Then make plans in your mind so that when this type of situation comes up again, you are ready and prepared to be more assertive.

Think your behavior through beforehand whenever you have the chance. Think out not only how you can get what you want, but how you can turn this into a win-win so the other person wins too.

If you have a tendency to be aggressive, you need to learn to stop and think.

To draw back momentarily and consider if this will get you what you want at the expense of someone else. If the answer is yes, try to think of a way to get what you want at the same time as helping the other person to get something too.

If this is not possible, study assertive behavior and learn how to word your requests, how to behave in a way that states your need without attacking anyone else. You don't need to flatten the opposition to get what you want. You might even be able to get them to help you if you work it right!!

Remember, be assertive - be a winner.