"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Assertiveness skills are very important in many situations; by expressing assertiveness you are letting people know what you want, need or prefer, in a way which is acceptable to both you and them. Put simply; assertiveness is about getting what you want without upsetting anyone!

Differences Between Acquiescent, Assertiveness And Aggressive Behaviors:

Acquiescent:

You:

Hope that you will get what you want

Sit on your feelings

Rely on others to guess what you want

You Don't:

Ask for what you want

Express your feelings

Often get what you want

Upset people

Get noticed

Assertiveness:

You:

Ask for what you want directly and openly

Ask confidently and without undue anxiety

You Don't:

Violate other people's rights

Expect other people to magically know what you want

Freeze with anxiety

Aggressive:

You:

Try to get what you want in any way that works

Often cause bad feelings in others

Threaten, cajole, manipulate, and use sarcasm,

You Don't:

Respect that other people have a right to get their needs met

Look for situations in which you both might be able to get what you want ('win-win situations')

Understanding and recognizing assertiveness is a major step in helping you to develop your interpersonal and assertiveness/influencing skills.

There are two other important factors however:

How you prefer to behave with other people

How the people you interact with, like others to behave towards them.

For example, some people are the life and soul of the party, dress flamboyantly and speak in loud, fast voices; get two of them together and it's almost a competition to see who can burst the other's eardrums! Try approaching one of these people in a polite, mild-mannered and factual way and you're unlikely to make an impression.

Other people like to conduct business in a very formal way, they're abrupt and to the point and only interested in "the bottom line". Approach a meeting with these people with a barrage of questions about family, hobbies and what they did during the weekend and you've probably burned up 80% of the time they've allocated for the meeting!

Social Styles:

How can you ensure that you approach people in the correct way?

"Knowing About Social Styles", developed by Merrill and Reid, is very useful. In the Social Styles Model there are four basic "styles" or preferred ways of interacting with others.

Merrill and Reid believe that a person's Social Style is a way of coping with others. People become most comfortable with that style, in themselves and others.

Understanding your own style and those of others can help in making meetings more productive. The main objective of Social Styles is to help people develop versatility in dealing with others.

A person's Social Style is measured in relation to three behavioral dimensions:

Assertiveness

Responsiveness

Versatility.

The Assertiveness Scale:

Measures the degree to which a person is seen as attempting to influence the thoughts, decisions or actions of others either directly by "tell" behavior or by questioning, i.e. “ask" behavior.

Tell Behaviors: Is risk-taking, fast-paced, challenging.

Ask Behaviors: Is co-operative, deliberate actions, minimizing risks.

The Responsiveness Scale:

Measures the degree to which a person either openly expresses their feelings or controls their feelings. The ends of the scale are "control" and "emote".

Control Behaviors: Is disciplined, serious, and cool.

Emote Behaviors: Is relationship oriented, open, and warm.

The two scales combine to give a two-dimensional model of behavior, which will help you to understand how others perceive you. The dimensions of behavior will also help you to plan how you can deal more effectively with people of different Social Styles.