Our other articles allude to the importance of asserting yourself in the context of: teamwork, job burnout, attitude, and dealing with difficult people. This article describes what assertiveness really is, contrasts assertiveness with aggression (with which it is most often confused) and with submission, and enumerates why it is a virtue.

Assertiveness -- What Is It?

We've seen several definitions of assertiveness. This one is our favorite:

Assertiveness is speaking honestly about your thoughts, feelings and desires, while considering those of others.

This is what I think/feel/want ... and (at least implicitly) How about you?

Sounds pretty good to us! Honesty. Respecting yourself and others. Considering its inherent uncontroversial virtues, it's puzzling that more people are not assertive.

Here's another (although more a description than a definition):

Assertiveness takes responsibility for solving interpersonal problems through straightforward action and communication.

When you assert, you take responsibility, you solve problems, and you are straightforward (rather than underhanded or devious).

The following definition is perhaps the most common, but our least favorite:

Assertiveness is a way of acting that strikes a balance between two extremes: aggression and submission.

This one is not entirely accurate. Instead of being a balance, assertiveness really is an alternative to the two sides of the same coin -- aggression and submission.

In fact, aggression or submission is a consequence of not being assertive.

Alternatives to Assertiveness

Aggression:

Is communicating in a demanding, abrasive or hostile way

Is insensitive to the rights, thoughts, feelings, or desires of others

Attempts to obtain results or responses through intimidation

Creates a dominate-lose scenario, which can lead to resentment and violence

Submission (or passivity):

Is yielding to others' wants, while discounting your own rights

Is an inability to express your thoughts, feelings or wants?

Is feeling guilty when expressing wants, as if you're imposing

Tears down self-esteem and confidence (and causes you to build up anger)

If you've read our article on the nature of attitude, you may see a parallel between negative/neutral/positive attitude and aggressive/submissive/assertive behavior. They are related.

Here's a quick way to identify true assertiveness (in yourself or others) versus submission or aggression:

Assertiveness says:
This is what I think ... This is what I feel ... This is what I want

Aggression ads:
Your thoughts are absurd ... Your feelings don't count ... Your wants aren't important

Submission says:
What I think isn't important ... What I feel doesn't matter ... What I want doesn't count

When people are not assertive, they'll gravitate to either aggression or submission, depending on personality type or mood.

And often the same individual will vacillate between aggression and submission ... or act in ways which combine the two:

Passive-Aggressive: expressing anger in a covert fashion, e.g., "forgetting" about others' requests or plotting revenge.

Manipulative: playing the victim or martyr to get others to feel sorry for them or take care of them.

The Virtue of Assertiveness

Assertiveness allows us to:

Express ourselves honestly

Consider how others feel

Feel good about ourselves

Take responsibility

Negotiate productively

Go for a win-win resolution

All obvious virtues and positive values! So, why aren't many of us assertive more often?

Well, the most prevalent reason is fear of rejection or disapproval. And this is not an irrational fear. In fact, some people may not like what we are asserting. That is, they may not like us (at least that aspect of us, at that time).

Being at peace with that disapproval requires pretty healthy self-esteem. A discussion of the requirements of self-esteem is outside the scope of this article. One thing we can say about it here...

An essential ingredient to building one's self-esteem is assertiveness. The more often we express ourselves honestly, the more we will feel good about ourselves.

A word of warning: Assertiveness is not a guarantee that you will get the response or results you want!

There is no such guarantee. But -- in addition to all the benefits enumerated above assertiveness stands a far better chance of getting those results than aggression or submission. At least in the long run and without the negative backlash inherent in those alternatives.

But should one always be assertive?

We maintain that you should always be assertive ... in your thoughts. But, not necessarily in voicing those thoughts. There very well may be circumstances in which the consequences of vocal assertiveness could be quite negative. For example, when dealing with an aggressive person in authority or when threatened with violence.

Sometimes, maintaining silence is the wisest and most assertive action to take. Not endorsement of another's actions or statements, but silence ... or, perhaps, acknowledgement. Something like: I hear what you're saying; without adding: I agree.