Assertiveness is another critical part of verbal communication. But what is assertiveness exactly?

Gleaning from the "New World Dictionary", to assert means to state positively, to declare, to affirm, to maintain or defend rights, claims, etc. To assert oneself is to insist on one's right or on being recognized.

I'm thinking right now of the saying "blow your own horn", because no-one is going to do it for you. But it needs to be stated positively with humble assertiveness and confidence.

To be assertive is to learn and practice to declare our position openly or formally, often in the face of opposition.

What it does not mean is to be aggressive. There's a big difference here. To be assertive means to assert oneself positively with convincing confidence.

Aggressive means to be inclined to aggress as in to start quarrels or fights; to be ready and willing to take issue or engage in direct action, to be militant, bold, pushing -- to get "in your face" -- to use a vernacular of the day. One does not win an argument this way. That is not to be assertive.

Speaking of argument, there is nothing wrong with arguing. Lawyers do this all the time. Again turning to our dictionary, it describes this as "a reason or reasons offered for or against something; discussion in which there is disagreement; a dispute; a debate; a short statement of subject matter, a brief synopsis. If you're in court, you'll want a lawyer who can put up a good convincing argument.

We usually tag a negative feeling with this word where we hear of people arguing negatively, putting one another down verbally, even turning to violence and fighting. But to argue means to reason over a matter -- presenting pros and cons.

The saying "we agree to disagree" has become popular today in many teachings and seminars on communication or marriage counseling. It is being used more and more, I noticed, by folks out there and that is a good thing.

I like the old comic routine of Abbott and Costello (if you're old enough to know them), where Costello is asking Abbott to name the players.

Abbott replies, "I'm telling you, Who's on first. What's on second? I don't Known’s on third". Then Costello asks, "You know the fellows' names? To which Abbott replies, "Yes".

Then Costello says, "Well, who's playing first?”Yes" is the reply. "I mean the fellow's name on first base." "Who" comes the reply? "The fellow playing first base." "Who" comes the answer again? "The guy on first base" asks again Costello. "Who's on first." repeats Abbott. Then Costello retorts "What are you asking me for?

Quite often we find ourselves in this type of spinning dialogue going nowhere. Managers and workers get trapped into going round and round with colleagues and subordinates, being passively oblivious to the recognition of what's happening.

Even at home, we do it between family members, creating unnecessary hard feelings and frustrations, sometimes rendering families seriously dysfunctional. Yet no one thinks of stopping for a moment to clarify or assert the discussion.

The problem is that most of us don't realize it's happening. We are caught up in the ascending heat of the communication moment and it is only afterwards that we recall where the whole conversation went awry.

That's when assertiveness comes in, BEFORE it gets to that point. Practice makes perfect. Get a book or a course on assertiveness. Assess yourself next time you get into a discussion with someone. Are you or were you, "Assertive", "Passive" or "Aggressive".