Dr. Robert E. Alberti and Dr. Michael L. Emmons in Your Perfect Right define assertive behavior as "behavior that allows a person to express honest feelings comfortably, to be direct and straightforward, and to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others and without experiencing undue anxiety or guilt."

It is important to realize that self-assertion does not mean aggression.

Self-assertion is an honest, direct and appropriate expression of one's feelings, beliefs and opinions. The major purpose of aggression is either domination, humiliation, or the putting down of another individual. Aggressive behavior violates the rights of another person.

There are four R's to assertiveness:

Respect: Recognize and accept that you are worthy of respect. If you do not respect yourself, this leaves you open to exhibit and to fall victim to aggressive, manipulative, and/or passive behaviors.

Rights: Identify and respect your own rights to the extent that you do not allow them to be trampled- by yourself or by others. This also means that you respect the rights of others, including their right to disagree with you.

Responsibility: Once you recognize that you have feelings, rights, and needs, you also accept responsibility for them. This means that you are willing to speak up and/or take action to ensure that they are respected.

Resolution: To the extent possible, assertive problem solving uses a win-win approach to resolve the issue in a mutually acceptable fashion. Even if a win-win solution is not possible, being assertive means that you identify the result you desire, take action to achieve it, and follow through on your resolve.

Twelve Questions for a Positive Outcome

Here are twelve questions that will help you plan for a positive outcome when you decide to be assertive about your rights and needs:

1. Clarify the situation and focus on the issue. What is my goal? What exactly do I want to accomplish?

2. Why is it important for this situation to be handled effectively: for me and for the other person involved?

3. How will assertive behavior help me accomplish my goal?

4. What would I usually do to avoid asserting myself?

5. Why would I want to give that up and assert myself instead?

6. What are my rights in this situation?

7. Do these rights justify turning my back on my conditioning?

8. Am I holding on to beliefs that make it difficult for me to act assertively in the present situation? If so, what are they?

9. What new belief statements can I adopt to replace the beliefs that keep me from acting assertively?

10. Am I anxious about asserting myself? What techniques can I use to reduce my anxiety?

11. What do I need to do to handle this situation?

12. What do I need to say?

It is not easy to change behavior and it can be scary to think about asserting yourself when you have never done that before. It helps to take baby steps. Keep the 4 R's to assertiveness in mind and answer these twelve questions to plan your assertive communication and prepare yourself to take action.