One of the most important things parents can teach their children is the skill of assertiveness. Assertiveness can be defined as getting what one wants without hurting others. This is the opposite of aggressiveness which can be defined as getting what one wants "by any means necessary" - including hurting others. While aggressiveness is acceptable on a sports field, and we use the term in sales as meaning someone who really pushes a sale; hurting or intimidating others in order to get what you want is never the best method.
Young people need to know that although aggressiveness is unacceptable, passiveness is too. No one should allow themselves to be mistreated. However, youth need to be taught ways to express themselves appropriately and given practice with this assertiveness skill. Assertiveness is important in simple terms such as standing up for yourself in school when you are being bullied or even overlooked. It is also important when it comes to life skills including such things as "trying out" or auditioning for teams or performances. Assertiveness is required in order to exercise refusal skills when faced with pressures such as drug use and gang involvement. One of the saddest and yet most important times young people have to be assertive is when disclosing an incident of abuse involving a trusted adult. As young people get older, assertiveness is required in applying for jobs, asking for raises and dealing with adults in authority in a respectful manner.
Help your young person work on assertiveness by sometimes stepping back and letting them take the lead. While providing guidance and support, try things like having them call to make their own appointments, have them make arrangements to talk with teachers about concerns. Let them fight many of their own battles directly. You may need to help them decide which battles are worth fighting, but that is an important skill as well. If they can learn to be assertive enough to address their own issues when possible, they will learn that they have the power to influence their futures. Mom and Dad will not always be able to run interference, and students who can master assertiveness are a step ahead of those who cannot stand alone. Try to resist the urge to rescue, and instead process steps your child can take to save him or herself. There is great confidence and pride to be gained, and it can ensure personal safety as it builds leadership abilities.
Assertiveness enhances lives. Many people let opportunities pass them by because they are afraid to step out of their comfort zone. I know many adults who wish they had taken some healthy risks when they were younger that might have made their lives so much richer today.
Help your children help themselves - life happens to you or you happen to it! Challenge yourself and your children to be assertive and grab all that life has to offer!
