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We talk a lot, and those conversations, if we use
assertive communication skills, can make a big
difference in how our relationships go. If I have
anything to add to the assertive communication skills
dialogue, it is an awareness of how rapidly we change
internally based on our perception of and
interpretation of nonverbal communications.
Mihalyi Csikzsentmihalyi in his book Flow (1993)
estimated that we process seven bits of sensory data
in parallel, and that the shortest amount of time
between sets of seven bits is 1/18th second. Remember,
it takes 1/10th second to blink your eyes.
Michael Merzenich,Ph.D., one of the world's leading
researchers on neuroplasticity, says that Senior
drivers need to be prepared to process changes in
driving conditions in 1/45th second.
Paul Ekman,Ph.D. says we respond to facial expressions
in 1/25th second, and my stress response to a look of
contempt from a boss, a mate, or a child, may happen
faster than I can create words. I had better be on my
assertive communication game plan if I am to sustain
assertiveness.
Assertive communication skills begin in my head, with
a thought or a commitment to use them.
My commitment revolves around "I" statements,
awareness of my feelings, heart beat by heart beat
relaxation, playfulness, reflective listening, and the
offering of choice.
In my domestic violence groups, I really use the
reflective listening and the relaxation skills.
Every person who comes to my group has a story to
tell, which will be told using their current level of
assertiveness training.
More than likely, their story will be told using
aggressive or passive-aggressive communication skills.
In those early moments of building our relationship,
reflective listening will be a key part of helping my
court ordered student to settle in.
So I will begin my comments with the phrase, "Here is
what I hear you saying...." and repeat back to them a
summary of the story.
In order to summarize the story, I need to listen
closely, and I make an effort to repeat the client's
story verbatim in my head,which keeps me from
preparing my "very knowledgeable" retort.
My goal in using the reflective listening is to begin
teaching by example what assertive communication
skills are. I often ask clients how they feel when
someone pays attention to them, and the usual reply
is, "good".
In fact, when I use reflective listening skills, I can
watch an agitated person calm down.
I may even begin to teach my clients at this point the
HeartMath process, which always intrigues them,
because I ask some provocative questions leading into
it.
Then I may even hook them up, so they get a sense at
this early part of the process that it is their
thinking about the external world that brings on
physical changes, and how fast that happens.
By the way HeartMath is a biofeedback tool that gives
very accurate information to a client via a computer
screen about the time between heart beats and how to
make that time more consistent, which is called
coherence, by breathing deeply and regularly, and
managing thoughts. HeartMath is a feel good
experience, and once learned, (took me six 1/2 hour
practices), I can cue the physiology on demand by
repeating a thought.
The heart has a very sophisticated nervous system, and
sends a lot of data to the brain about emotions, much
more than the brain sends to the heart. This brain in
the heart is affiliative and cooperative, so cuing the
HeartMath physiology has a huge impact on assertive
communication skills.
I also like to teach the assertive communication
skills that are part of the John Gottman,Ph.D., model
called The Art and Science of Love, especially for my
domesitic violence and anger management clients.
Gottman has studied couples for 30 years, and has
teased out of his work the skills that the Masters of
Marriage use.
Those skills apply to assertive communication skills.
After discovering your partner's Love Map, you begin
to Turn Towards Each Other During Everyday Events by
honoring what Gottman calls invitations to turn
toward.
Those invitations can be very subtly communicated, so
one has to pay attention and make quick decisions
about how to respond.
Most of Our Communication is Nonverbal
I teach quite a bit about how we respond nonverbally
to facial expressions, based on the work of Paul
Ekman,Ph.D. Ekman says that we can respond to a subtle
expression of contempt with anger in 1/25th second
which is about 2.5 times as fast as I can blink my
eyes.
So assertive communication skills have got to come
online fast, along with my Heart Math skills to give
me a chance to respond to contempt assertively rather
than aggressively or passive-aggressively.
In any communication, I will respond to facial
expressions and body posture before the words that are
spoken.
If the speaker is not congruent in verbal and
nonverbal communication, the listener may create an
stress response faster than they can create reflective
listening words.
Daniel Goleman calls that an amygdala high jack, and
it floods us with stress hormones, making assertive
communication very hard, if not impossible.
The Gottman's address what they call 'flooding' in
their work. They recommend for men that a minimum of
20 minutes be taken to calm down.
Next comes the use of 'repair phrases' that the
Gottman's supply examples of.
So as you can see, assertive communication skills are
dynamic and must be applicable to a huge number of
situations and responses.
They can be learned, and relationships built using
them, and relationships can be repaired when there are
breakdowns in communications.
The basic assertiveness training skills are remaining
committed in my head to using assertive communication
skills, no matter the response they get, using
reflective listening, maintaining my heart
intelligence, and offering choice, if I am
communication with a peer. If I am communicating i a
hierarchical relationship, then I need to either
listen to feedback, or offer it, and be prepared to
accept consequences for delivering a command, or
accepting one.
In all cases, awareness of my physiology gives me
choices.
Source: Michael Logan
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