Lisa is an introvert and wants to become more confident and self-assured. She knows that to get ahead in her company, she needs to be more assertive, especially when it comes to participating in meetings. She decided to learn on her own by reading books and articles to help her get started. She hired an introvert coach to help her move faster and be more accountable. Today, Lisa is a vice-president of a Fortune 1000 company.
There are many books at libraries and book stores on assertion skills, so I will not go into the mechanics of how to be assertive. However, I will point out that shy introverts need to look at assertion skills as one way to help reduce interpersonal struggles, stand up for themselves, and use assertive communication skills so no one takes advantage of them.
Assertion skills are the way to communicate feelings, needs, and wants in a positive and confident manner. Shy and introverted individuals may resist getting out of their shells by returning to their comfortable routines and patterns of behavior instead of using their learned assertion skills to leave this comfort zone.
Shy introverts typically have difficulty communicating with others. I realize that standing up for yourself and using assertive communication skills can be a little anxiety-ridden or nerve wracking at first, but after a little practice, you will feel more confident that you can handle various types of situations without uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The more you think and act assertively, the more you will become less afraid of speaking up and more confident in yourself.
You need to know and work with your personality style. Some extroverts may think they can take advantage of you because they see you as a shy or introverted person and they equate the shyness and introversion with as passive and easily manipulated. It does not matter whether people know you as a shy introvert or as an extrovert. As long as you can be assertive, you can show other people that their perception of you is not what they initially thought you to be. When you use your assertiveness skills, others will see that they cannot take advantage of you.
Having the tools to stand up for your rights is important. How and if you use them is totally up to you. Here are some tools you as shy introverts can use to put your new assertions skills into action when interacting with others.
1. Shift Your Mindset: Being assertive is a choice. Many consider being assertive not as a skill but a mindset that people learn to use. Shy introverts must get into the habit of becoming more assertive for themselves or they will miss out on opportunities, as well as have others take advantage of them.
2. Be Persistent: Are you held accountable for taking the necessary actions to achieve your goals? Do you give up easily the first time someone tells you "it can't be done"? Staying focused, staying consistent, and staying on task help you accomplish win-win solutions. Don't give up - your new-found assertion skills can help you get to where you want to be.
3. Find Your Focus of Control: In believing you are the master of your own fate, what are you doing to help yourself - where is your focus? For you to control what happens to you, even as a shy or introverted individual, you must strive for being a better you. Using assertion techniques will give you the belief you need to use your potential that will help move you forward.
4. Play on Your Strengths: In most respects, you must use your strengths and work on your weaknesses. For example, when introverts speak to others, it is mainly when they have something to say that is worthwhile and meaningful - something they have given a lot of thought to. Most shy introverts have good listening skills and this is something of great value. (These are skills that extroverts need to work on, because most of the time they like to just hear themselves talk so they talk rather than listen.) Discover your own personal strengths - both in your speaking and listening skills. Then take action to use these skills to expand yourself in other areas of your life.
5. Show More Confidence: To become more assertive, you must get past the thinking and feeling that you lack confidence in yourself. You may not act as if you are an extrovert, but there may be times when you want more adventure in your life. Believe in your skills, talents, and abilities. After some time, they will become a part of you and gradually show through in all parts of your life. Most importantly, when you talk with other people, getting to the point of what you want to say to them will help you get what you want.
6. Cultivate Win-Win Relationships: As the gold standard of relationships, being assertive enables you stand up for yourself and not allow others to take advantage of you. This is done by using the skills you have of listening, talking, and negotiating with other people in your interactions with them. You will be able to get what you want and give the other person what they want.
7. Reward Yourself: Through learning to be more assertive, you will not miss out on opportunities that previously you would have allowed to pass you by and now you will use to assist you in moving you forward in your life. Acting "as if" is a powerful tool. The more confident you act, the more convinced your mind is that you are confident. Go to a movie or out to dinner when you clinch a deal! Celebrate your promotion! You've earned it.
Just like Lisa, who a shy introvert and still asserted herself to get what she wanted, you can get where you want to be. For shy introverts, asserting yourself means that you can stand up for yourself and get the respect you want in any situation. Using assertion skills will assist you as you meet people in both your professional life and personal life- in your conversational skills, in resolving disagreements and conflicts, in forming relationships, and in confidence building. This is only the beginning. Each of these tools, presented here in their most basic form, can be built upon and practiced until you realize your dreams.
