Have you ever, if at all, tried to observe if you are an aggressive or assertive person? Despite the fact that man is naturally endowed with all it takes (and more) to undertake a self appraisal in order to make our individual and collective lives better, hardly do we consciously do this. Assertiveness is one of the basic features of leadership yet a lot of people in leadership positions are aggressive either deliberately or not. Do not get me wrong. You do not have to be at the helm of affairs in one big office to be a leader, but you are always at the helm of your own affairs and no one can take that away. So you too are a leader! Besides, it is natural that we find ourselves leading others at some point or the other. However, whether as a leader or follower, we all relate with others every day.

In a world where might is right, it may seem appropriate to be aggressive in order to have our ways, but it is not always like that. Some managers, in a bid to assert authority, only succeed in intimidating subordinates, who in an attempt to repel the threat or seeming oppression, end up exhibiting unruly and unbecoming behaviors. But must we continue in such manner that neither gives us the desired peace of mind nor self respect, and in fact shuts the door on real and sincere friendship and loyalty? No. This is especially so when there are simpler and better ways of doing these things. And who says adults cannot learn and change their ways? I am confident you will agree with me that every adult knows the difference and is sufficiently equipped to choose that which is right –assertiveness.

Assertiveness is simply the ability to express yourself within the limits of your natural rights. Aggressiveness on the other hand, refers to a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses his feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs and feelings of others. In some extreme situations, emotional or physical force is applied such that the rights of others do not see the light of day at all. This happens in our homes, between couples, in offices and even among friends. With an aggressive behavior, the dignity of the other person tends to be trampled upon, distance is created, communication is hampered and relationships suffer. Having injured the ego of the other party, aggressive individuals experience a higher level of stress and this takes away the joy from their seeming triumph. Aggressiveness is an often regretted emotional outburst - only a little better than a physical illness. This is because aggressive individuals suffer a false sense of self righteousness, and a feeling so transient that such people after thinking through usually feel guilty. They thereafter burn inside and out of pride find no one to share the hurt with. This disposition pushes others away, causes them to lose respect for you and in some cases become angry, unfriendly and vengeful. It is possible to be aggressive without realizing it, especially when one is threatened. However, with a conscious effort at deep awareness, it is possible to always be in control of your reaction to any kind of stimuli.

Assertiveness, according to Wellness Workbook ( Ryan and Travis), “basically means the ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the lines of communication open with the other”. Assertiveness enables you to put your cards on the table without either hurting the ego of the other party or destroying the chances of future relationships. Assertiveness earns you a sense of ease; you feel good about yourself, gain more self confidence and even the respect of your colleagues and friends. Assertiveness keeps you emotionally balanced such that improves your decision making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you want from life. The learned will agree with me that aggressiveness is caused by some kind of fear; that which comes from ignorance about self and one’s environment, and induces self doubt and lack of confidence. From the understanding of self comes a better appreciation of your world and that around you. It also allows you to be in harmony with yourself and your environment, and rewards you with a sense of security such that you are immunized from feeling threatened in any situation, hence no reason to be aggressive. This self knowledge comes from ‘Emotional Intelligence’.

The concept of Emotional Intelligence is the result of various studies on the role of non cognitive factors in helping people to succeed at work and in life generally. Revolving around the importance of social and emotional abilities for personal success, it is defined as “a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and action ”(Salovey & Mayer). Emotional Intelligence deals with knowing when and how to express emotion as well as the ability to control it.  According to Salovey, there are five pillars of Emotional Intelligence. The first of these is Self Awareness by which it is meant recognizing a feeling as it happens. This ability is crucial to self understanding because the lack of it leaves one at the mercy of those feelings. Self knowledge provides the necessary tools to pilot one’s life more effectively. Management of Emotions comes next. This is the ability to control feelings and emotions such that response to stimuli at any point in time is appropriate. It relates to the ability to sooth oneself and overcome negative emotions. Its lack leads to feelings of distress and depression.

A good understanding and control of one’s feelings is a precursor for Self Motivation, which leads to self mastery and creativity. People who have this assertiveness skill tend to be more highly productive and effective in whatever they undertake. Another pillar of emotional intelligence is the fundamental people skill – Empathy. Recognizing emotions in others attunes one to the subtle signals that indicate what others need or want. The last on the list is Relationship Management which in other words refers to managing emotions in others. This skill underpins popularity, leadership and interpersonal effectiveness. People who excel here are social stars.

Last Word
It is only expected that people will differ in their mastery of these principles but the brain is eternally pliable, always learning and growing. This means that shortcomings in emotional intelligence can always be improved and built upon. So which would you rather be? Aggressiveness or Assertiveness? Besides, studies have revealed that the most successful leaders in world history were warmer, more outgoing, emotionally expressive, dramatic and sociable. It surely pays to be assertive. So why not learn Emotional Intelligence now!