"How
long will it take me to become more assertive?"
Becoming
assertive is a lifetime project. As you begin
to practice some basic assertiveness skills,
you will develop
confidence in yourself. Some situations are more
difficult than others are, and so you may want to
begin practicing assertiveness skills
in the easier situations. It may be easier to assert
yourself with strangers than with your supervisor
at work or with your family. For example, while waiting
in line and someone cuts in front of you, you can
assertively say, "I believe I was next."
Keep practicing these skills and you
will become a more confident, happier person.
"What is assertiveness?"
Assertiveness is:
- A set of behaviors which
allows you to express needs, set limits, and state positive and negative feelings.
- An attitude that acknowledges
your own needs and the needs of others. People who are assertive can
communicate their own needs and listen to what others are saying as well.
- An approach to life
that allows you to retain or regain
control over your own life, and can lead to
increased self-esteem.
- A right to make decisions
about your own life.
"I don't want to
be aggressive."
Assertiveness differs from aggression in fundamental ways. Aggressive
people force others to meet their needs by using unpleasant means such as shouting,
physical roughness, manipulation, or threats. In contrast, assertiveness
is being able to express feelings, ask for something, or set limits without
demanding results or intimidating people.
"How can I become
more assertive?"
No one becomes assertive overnight. It takes time and practice.
1. The first step is to identify how you feel and what you need.
- Identify and label the feeling you are experiencing. For
example, do you feel angry, frustrated, hurt, bored, embarrassed, stressed,
or anxious? It may be difficult at first to identify and label your feelings
if you are accustomed to pushing feelings away.
- Select the primary emotion that you feel. Some emotions
mask other, deeper emotions. For example, some people will feel angry at the
surface, but feel hurt or scared underneath.
- Accurately identify the intensity of the emotion you feel.
For example, anger can be felt on a continuum from irritation to mad to furious.
- Identify what you need from someone. For example, "I
need to be heard," or "I need to say no to that request."
2. The next step is to express your feelings and needs to someone
else.
- The basic rule of assertiveness
is to express your self honestly and accurately without blaming another person.
"I statements" provide a means to express a feeling, thought, or
request. An "I" statement typically has three parts.
I feel (emotion) when you (behavior). I would prefer that you (alternate behavior).
- Different situations will require variations on the "I"
statements. Sometimes only one or two parts of the "I" statement
may be necessary to clearly express yourself.
How to say "No."
Saying "no" can be one of the most difficult things to say. It is
extremely important to learn how to set limits with others. If you allow yourself
to do things against your will or judgement, you may end up feeling resentful
and used. Some ways to say "no" are:
- I'd rather not.
- I can't do that right now.
- I've promised myself to finish this (paper) right now, so
no.
- No thanks.
- Not this time.
- I'm afraid I have to decline.
- Sorry, but no.
- Thanks for asking, but no.
- Nope, can't do it.
How to ask for something
Use an "I" statement that contains the word "need"
or "want" or its equivalent. For example:
- I need to be alone for a while.
- I need help with these math problems. Would you be able to
help me sometime?
- Please be quiet when the professor is speaking because I
can't hear her when you are talking.
- I want to go home now.
- I would prefer that you not touch me.
- I need to talk to you.
How to tell another person something unpleasant.
Feelings such as feelings of anger or hurt can be difficult
to share with someone. Use of an "I" statement is particularly useful
in this instance. Some examples:
- I felt hurt and embarrassed that you did not introduce me
to your friend.
- I feel pressured to have sex with you and I'm not ready for
that.
- I felt left out when all of you went out for ice cream and
didn't invite me.
- I feel annoyed and frustrated when you play your stereo when
I'm trying to study.
How to share positive feelings.
Accepting a compliment, telling someone you love him or her,
or sharing other positive feelings can be difficult. "I" statements
are a good place to start practicing this behavior. For example:
- I like you a lot.
- I enjoy your company.
- I really appreciated your help.
- Thank you! (when given a compliment)
Other aspects of assertiveness.
-
Listening. Being willing and able to listen to the
other person and hear what they are really saying
communicates that you consider
their point of view as well as your own.
- Eye contact. Looking at someone when speaking communicates
a stronger message.
- Body language. Standing or sitting up straight when speaking
communicates that you mean it.
- Timing. Choosing the right time to deliver your message will
make it more effective.
UCPS
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