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Certainly,
your parents taught you to be polite. They explained
to you that it was bad form to demand your own way.
They probably asked you to be patient and let other
people have a turn. And then, there were also those
families who belittled their children and even yelled
at them for having needs or asking for any attention
at all. Either way, a lot of us grew up without the
skills or the confidence to practice
assertiveness. This is the ability to say how
we feel and ask for what we want in a way that doesn’t
infringe upon the rights of others. Our Assertiveness
Courses will help you to plan what to say and
how to say it so that you will have the assertiveness
skills take better care of yourself in those situations
at work or in other places where no one else will
speak up for you if you don’t.
Most of us know that assertiveness
will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us
were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
1. Choose the right time. Imagine
you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by.
You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?”
Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa
has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss
important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa,
I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or
not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say “I,” not “we.”
Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I
would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”
5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put
a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft
project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
6. Use body language to emphasize
your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive
statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you
undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your
staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group
to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself.
Don’t allow others to take advantage of you;
insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples:
“I was here first,” “I’d like
more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but
I have another
appointment,” “Please turn down the
radio,” or “This steak is well done, but
I asked for medium rare.”
9. Learn to be friendly with people
you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know
what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly.
When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked
to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions.
When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When
someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
13. Maintain eye contact when you
are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal.
When expressing
annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s
behavior rather than attacking the person. For example:
“Please don’t talk to me that way,”
rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
15. Use “I” statements
when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel
social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and
I feel really annoyed.”
16. State what you want.
If appropriate, ask
for another behavior. (“I think we’d better
sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans
together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention
to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness
in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional
situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new
skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each
time you push yourself to formulate an assertive
response. Do this regardless of the response from
the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself
down when you behave passively
or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went
off course and learn how to improve.
By Garrett Coan
Harrisburg
Assertiveness - Be Direct and Specific
Assertiveness
Course Quote
"Sweat plus sacrifice equals success"
Unknown
Suggested Reading:
Don't Say Yes
When You Want to Say No: How
Assertiveness Training Can Change Your Life
by Herbert Fensterheim
Assertiveness Training
and How to Instantly Read People
by Dick Sutphen
So, What Is
Assertiveness?: An
Assertiveness Training Course
by Chrissie Whitehead
Assertiveness Training
by Martha Davis
The effect
of assertiveness
training on self-esteem in women who have experienced
abuse
by Edna F Ross
Special techniques in
assertiveness training for women in the health professions
by Melodie Chenevert
Assertiveness Skills
by Nelda Shelton, Sharon Burton
Assertiveness Skills
for Professionals in Health Care
by Wendy Leebov
Training Solutions -
Developing Your Assertiveness Skills (Paper Only)
by Pfeiffer
Effective Assertiveness
Skills
by Jon Warner
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