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Are
you a hider or a hurler? In other words, when you
are feeling angry, threatened or uncomfortable with
a certain situation, do you tend to explode aggressively
in order to get your own way, or do you retreat meekly
because you assume that no one would ever consider
your needs to be important in the first place? There
is another alternative, one that can help you get
your needs met in a way that avoids broken crockery
and hurt feelings. It is called assertiveness; a style
of communication that allows you to express how you
feel and draw attention to your needs without trampling
the rights of others. In our Assertiveness
Training Classes, we can help you work through
your own thoughts and feelings, and then guide you
as you design and rehearse new assertiveness skills
that will keep you and everyone else safer and happier.
Speaking
up for oneself in an assertive manner sometimes brings
to mind the image of two people warily circling each
other, fists raised, prepared to strike. Each person
wants to get his/her way. In fact, the most effective
assertiveness is not adversarial at all. The most
effective way of speaking up involves connecting with
or joining in with the other person.
Without
engaging in connecting, a person may use perfect assertive
language and still be deeply involved in a power struggle.
In the book, 'Getting to Yes,' Fisher and Ury call
this "positional bargaining."
Imagine
two people engaged in a tug of war. If they are equally
strong, then neither of them will move as they pull
against one another and both of them will grow very
tired! Getting into a power struggle uses up a lot
of energy and generally does not go anywhere.
Believing
that the relationship is the most important aspect
in assertive behavior is the cornerstone of joining
with another person.
Connecting
in the process of assertiveness involves three skills:
- Expressing
yourself with empathy
- Looking
for areas of agreement
- Staying
open to different options for mutual gain
Let's look at each of the above points:
***Expressing
yourself with empathy***
Merriam
Webster (http://www.m-w.com) gives the following definition
of empathy:
"the
action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive
to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts,
and experience of another of either the past or present
without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience
fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner;
also : the capacity for this"
If
my friend and I are working on a project together
and we reach a point at which we need to negotiate
about putting outside of work hours on the project,
I might say: "We both have so many responsibilities
outside of work. I know it must be hard for you to
imagine our working past regular hours with children
as young as yours."
The
above statement represents my putting myself in the
other person's shoes. He or she will feel more understood
when I am empathic with his/her situation The chances
are higher that we will come to an agreement about
how to manage the extra work when empathy is expressed
between us.
Empathy
implies connection. When each of us is thinking about
how the other feels, we are connecting to the other
person and his/her life situation.
***Looking
for areas of agreement***
We
go farther in negotiation when we can determine what
we agree on rather than get stuck in our disagreements.
One way to discover areas of agreement is to listen
well to the other person.
"It
sounds like both of us agree that this is a high priority
project."
Another
way to find areas of agreement is to ask defining
questions:
"So
do you agree with me that there is so much work here
that we will have to find a way to do it outside of
regular business hours?"
Every
time you find an area of agreement, an added bonus
happens. The other person feels more connected to
you and then is more willing to work with you!
***Staying
open to options for mutual gain***
If
you can see the other person as a resource and see
ways that you can each help the other get to his/her
goals, then you have the beginning of a good team.
You begin the process of determining mutual gain the
minute this type of negotiation begins.
Brainstorming
is the key to finding as many possible options for
solving a problem. In brainstorming, each of you throws
out ideas. Some may work and some may not be possible.
The very act of brainstorming says that there are
many options.
Once
options are suggested, then the task is to sort out
what options will lead to mutual gain. If you can
join each other in this decision, then the negotiation
has become a Win/Win situation and everyone goes away
feeling good.
Leo
Lionni wrote a children's book called 'Little Blue
and Little Yellow.' The book is the story of two colors,
Little Blue and Little Yellow. When they each come
out to play together, they discover that they play
best when they are connected.
In
the joining they are no longer Little Blue and Little
Yellow. Instead, their connected part, the part where
they are mutually blended is a whole new color: Green!
by Linda D Tillman, Ph.D.
"Assertiveness - Take the Plunge"
Assertiveness
Training Quote
"I
walk slowly, but I never walk backward."
Abraham Lincoln
Suggested
Reading:
Training
Games for Assertiveness and Conflict
Resolution: 50 Ready-To-Use Activities
by Sue Bishop
Anger
and Assertiveness in Pastoral Care (Creative Pastoral
Care and Counseling Series)
by David W. Augsburger
Don't
Say Yes When You Want to Say No: How
Assertiveness Training Can Change Your Life
by Herbert Fensterheim
Yes,
I Can Say No: A Parents Guide to Assertiveness
Training for Children
by Manuel, Ph.D. Smith
Self-Directed
Assertiveness
Training
by Richard F. Rakos
The
Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas
and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships
by Randy J. Paterson Ph.D
Asserting
Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive
Change
by Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower
Assertiveness
Training for
Professional
by Helg Rhodes
So,
What Is Assertiveness?: An Assertiveness
Training Course
by Chrissie Whitehead
Special
techniques in assertiveness
training for women in the health professions
by Melodie Chenevert
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