| Do
you have trouble saying no, even when you really should?
Do
you feel like people walk all over you?
Do
you have trouble keeping your temper under control?
If
you answered yes to any of the above questions, you
might find it really helpful to learn about assertive
communication. Read on …
I.
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your
opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without
undue anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the
rights of others.
It's
not aggressiveness, it's a middle ground between being
a bully and a doormat.
It's
dependent on a feeling of self-efficacy, a sense that
if you behave in a certain way, something predictable
will occur.
Where does non-assertive behavior come from? Many
of us are taught that we should always please and/or
defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our
own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn't
"make waves", that if someone says or does
something that we don't like, we should just be quiet
and try to stay away from that person in the future.
II.
Why is Assertiveness Important?
If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience
---
- Depression.
From anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless,
hopeless, with no control over your life.
- Resentment.
Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage
of me.
Frustration. How could I be such a wimp? Why did
I let someone victimize me?
- Temper/violence.
If you can't express anger appropriately, it builds
up until it blows
- Anxiety,
which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid
situations or people that you know will make you
uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities,
job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other
good stuff.
- Poor
relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people
are often unable to express emotions of any kind,
negative OR positive. It's murder for a relationship
when the partners can't tell each other what they
want and need and how the other person affects them.
No one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships
and work relationships.
- Physical
complaints. Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure.
We all know what stress does to our bodies, and
assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a great
stress reliever.
- Parenting
problems. Kids are born knowing how to test the
limits their parents set for them. If parents aren't
assertive and firm, their kids will walk all over
them!
A
note about selective assertiveness:
Most
people find it easier to be assertive in some situations
than in others. This makes perfect sense. It's a lot
easier to hold your ground with a stranger than with
someone you love who might get angry if you express
your true feelings. But the more important the relationship
is to you, the more important it is to be assertive.
Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from
others, their willingness to see you as a person who
respects him/herself, a worthwhile person, a more
loveable person!
Is
assertiveness always the best way to go? Before you
decide to act assertively in a given situation, you
have to decide if you can live with the consequences.
Although assertive behavior usually will result in
a positive response, some people might react negatively
to it. For example, if your boss is completely unreasonable
and is known to go ballistic if anyone dares question
his orders, even non-aggressive, respectful, assertive
behavior might set him off and you could lose your
job. If that's your situation, then you may decide
you can't afford to be assertive, and learn other
stress management techniques.
Setting
the stage: If you're planning to try assertive behavior,
remember that the other person is used to your behaving
in a certain way, and may be thrown for a loop or
thoroughly confused when you change your communication
style. Why not tell the other person up front what
you're trying to do? It helps to choose a peaceful
moment for this. Then you might say something like
"I
need to tell you something and I'd like you to hear
me out before you comment. I've noticed lately that
after we've been working on a project together, I
find myself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I've
been thinking about it and I've realized that I often
go along with your ideas, without insisting on considering
some of my ideas as well, because I'm afraid of upsetting
you. From now on I'm going to try something different.
When I start to get those frustrated feelings, I'm
going to ask that we stop before making a final decision
and be sure we have considered all the options. I
know that will be a change for you, but I really think
it's fair and I know I'll do a better job and feel
better about myself if I can tell you about my ideas."
How can anyone argue with that statement?
III.
Techniques:
Okay,
here's another example of an assertive communication.
Read it, and then we'll discuss the different parts
of it.
"I've
noticed that whenever we're preparing to go somewhere,
you start rushing me to finish dressing as soon as
you're ready, even if it's not yet the time we had
planned to leave. I know you get anxious when you're
all ready to go and I'm not, but when you do that,
I get all flustered and take even more time. By the
time we get in the car, we're mad at each other and
not much in the mood to have a good time. From now
on, let's be sure we know what time we want to leave,
and if you're ready before I am, will you please just
go to another room and read the paper or watch TV?
From now on, if you come into the bedroom or bathroom
before it's time to leave and start asking me to hurry
up, I'm just going to remind you of the time, ask
you to go to another room, and close the door until
I'm ready. I know this is going to seem weird at first,
but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot more over
the long run."
A:
There are three parts of each assertive intervention:
1.
empathy/validation: Try to say something that
shows your understanding of the other person's feelings.
This shows them that you're not trying to pick a fight,
and it takes the wind out of their sails. From the
above example, "I know that you get anxious when
you're all ready to go and I'm not … ."
2.
statement of problem: This piece describes your
difficulty/dissatisfaction, tells why you need something
to change. For example, "… but when you
do that, I get all flustered and take even more time.
By the time we get in the car, we're mad at each other
and not much in the mood to have a good time."
3.
statement of what you want: This is a specific
request for a specific change in the other person's
behavior. For example, "From now on, let's be
sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you're
ready before I am, will you please just go to another
room and read the paper or watch TV?"
B:
How to be effectively assertive:
- Use
assertive body language. Face the other person,
stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive gestures,
be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial
expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney
or abrasive.
- Use
"I" statements. Keep the focus on the problem
you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other
person. Example: "I'd like to be able to tell
my stories without interruption." instead of
"You're always interrupting my stories!"
- Use
facts, not judgments. Example: "Your punctuation
needs work and your formatting is inconsistent"
instead of "This is sloppy work." or "Did
you know that shirt has some spots?" instead
of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are
you?"
- Express
ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions.
Example: "I get angry when he breaks his promises."
instead of "He makes me angry." or "I
believe the best policy is to…" instead
of "The only sensible thing is to …"
- Make
clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to
say no. Example: "Will you please ... ?"
instead of "Would you mind … ?" or
"Why don't you … ?"
Special
techniques for difficult situations:
- Broken
record: Keep repeating your point, using a low level,
pleasant voice. Don't get pulled into arguing or
trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore
manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic. Example:
You are taking something back to a store that you
know gives refunds, but the clerk first questions
your decision, tries to imply that there's something
wrong with you because you changed your mind, tells
you that she can only give a store credit, etc.
Using the broken record, you walk into the store
and say "I decided I don't need this and I'd
like my money back." Then no matter what the
clerk says, you keep repeating "I decided I
don't need this and I'd like my money back."
If she doesn't get it, simply ask to speak to a
manager and say the same thing. Trust me, it works!
- Fogging:
This is a way to deflect negative, manipulative
criticism. You agree with some of the fact, but
retain the right to choose your behavior. Example:
Mom: "Your skirt is awfully short, don't you
think you should wear longer skirts? They're the
style now." You: "You're right, skirts
are longer now." Agree with as much of the
facts as you want to, but don’t agree to change
your skirt length. Fogging is great for avoiding
fights and making people stop criticizing. With
significant others, when you need to keep living
together, it's best to quietly hear them out, then
assertively give your response.
- Content
to Process Shift:: This means that you stop talking
about the problem and bring up, instead, how the
other person is behaving RIGHT NOW. Use it when
someone's not listening or trying to use humor or
a distraction to avoid the issue. Example: "You're
getting off the point. I'm starting to feel frustrated
because I feel like you're not listening."
- Defusing:
Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue.
Example: "I can see that you're upset, and
I can even understand part of your reaction. Let's
talk about this later." Also, if they try to
stay with it, you always have the right to walk
away.
- Assertive
inquiry/stop action: This is similar to the content
to process shift. "Let's hold it for a minute,
something isn't working, what just happened?, how
did we get into this argument?" This helps
to identify the real issue when the argument is
actually about something bigger than the immediate
topic.
Example:
- "Can
you help me with this statistics problem?
- Man,
will you just get off my back? You know how
much I have to do today!
- Why
is it such a problem to take 15 minutes to help
me with this? You told me last night that you
would!
- I
get so tired of you always asking me to do these
things right when I'm in the middle of something!
- Whoa,
let's take a break here. How did we get from
my stats problem to you being tired of my interruptions?"
- The
real problem is not the stats problem, it's timing.
Now that topic is open for discussion and they're
becoming aware of how their arguments escalate.
- Summarization:
This helps to make sure you're understanding the
other person. Example: "So what you're trying
to tell me is ... ."
-
Specificity: It's really important to be very clear
about what you want done. This helps prevent distractions.
Example: "The thing I really wish is that you'd
pick your clothes up off the floor."
IV. Some Final Points:
One
of the most common problems in communications is caused
by trying to read people's minds or expecting them
to read yours. If you want people to respond to your
ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they
are, and say it in a way that will make others want
to respond nicely. Do you remember the self-efficacy
part from the beginning of this piece? The belief
that if you do something in a particular way, you
will be effective? Even if you don't believe that
now, but you muster your courage and try some of these
techniques in situations that are not hugely threatening,
the results will probably be so encouraging that you
will begin to believe in your effectiveness. If it's
really scary to think about being assertive, try it
first with people you don't know. Think of someone
you know who is assertive and pretend you are that
person. Once you become comfortable with assertive
behaviors in less threatening situations, you can
crank it up a notch and use it all the time. When
assertiveness becomes a habit, you will wonder how
you ever got along before you started using it. The
nicest thing about all of this is that after you've
become truly assertive, you probably won't need to
use these techniques very much. As people practice
assertive communication, you can almost see that little
spark of self-respect glimmer, flicker, take hold,
and burst into flame. People can sense it when you
respect yourself, and they will treat you with respect.
And that is the ultimate goal of assertive communication.
Vivian Barnette, Ph.D.
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